Have you ever wondered if there’s a punny, accurate way to represent each 2016 presidential candidate as a food item? You haven’t? Well, we’re here to help you shop the ever-changing stock of candidates, and give you helpful visuals to keep them all straight.
Disclaimer: These images, puns, and descriptions do not necessarily represent the political views of the authors. The political statements in the following article were done “for the pun” and for the enjoyment of you, the reader.
Spoon University, Duke, and authors Sydney Segal and Ann Marie Guzzi take no responsibility for the following conditions reading this article may induce: Severe agitation and increased anger due to differing political opinions, excessive eye-rolling and potential socket damage caused by cringe-worthy puns, and anxiety induced by weird stares from strangers in the library due to giggling.
Jeb Bush: Bushel of Apples
It’s hard to forget about the whole bushel of Bushes, but Jeb! is trying to re-invent himself as a Bush of a different color. In distancing himself from tradition and establishment, he’s trying to show that the apple can maybe roll at little far from the tree.
Ben Carson: Benana Carson
Ben Carson, a former successful neurosurgeon, is trying to ap-peel to voters by promoting a fresh start for America. However, some of his questionable comments have people wondering if he is going B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
Chris Christie: Krispy “Kreme” Christie
A couple of years ago he seemed like the obvious favorite, but like Krispy Kreme donuts, you only want him when he’s hot. Now that he’s cooled off a bit in the national spotlight, he’s not as enticing as before.
Hillary Clinton: Celery Clinton
While her e-mail scandal left some people calling her a little tasteless, Hillary Clinton is certainly the front-runner for the Democrat Party. As an advocate for the environment, Clinton is always thinking green. Those who find her inevitability a little hard to digest may consider some of her political stances watery.
Ted Cruz: Bread Cruz
Ted Cruz was the first major GOP candidate to enter the 2016 race, making him a staple, much like bread. He’ll need a steady supply of carbohydrates to last this marathon of a race. Cruz is gaining support from the far-right Republicans by bashing Obama, but he’ll have to appeal to the whole party, or else he’ll soon be toast.
Carley Fiorina: Barley Fiorina
Barley is no ordinary grain, and Carly Fiorina will argue the same about her candidacy. A female and a former CEO, Fiorina tries to use to her uniqueness to attract voters.
Jim Gilmore: Slim-Jim Gilmore
There’s a slim chance that Jim Gilmore, the newest presidential candidate, will be able to outdo the rest of the GOPs. He’s using his army experience to try and win the votes of veterans, and to prove that he’s made of tougher meat than the rest of the field.
Lindsey Graham: Lindsey Graham Cracker
Lindsey Graham is quick to get crackin’ on all the things the Obama administration did wrong – like student loans, Social Security, and Medicare. To learn s’more, check him out on Instagraham @lindseygrahamsc.
Mike Huckabee: Mike Huckabeets
Also demoted to the “kiddie table,” Mick Huckabee is trying to show America that he’s not ready to veg out quite yet. His career in politics is rooted as a long-serving governor of Arkansas.
John Kasich: John Kalesich
John Kasich is hoping to become as trendy as kale in the upcoming election. Packed with innovative ideas such as boosting our economy by making the government smaller, Kasich is trying to prove that he’s far from basic.
Martin O’Malley: Pop-Tartin O’Malley
One of only a few Democrat candidates, Martin O’Malley is hoping to pop out from the other big-name Dems. O’Malley has a 15 Goal plan on how to rebuild the American dream. Hint: that’s one goal for every gram of sugar in a Brown Sugar Pop-Tart.
George Pataki: George Pastaki
What better food than pasta for the part-Italian George Pataki? Like pasta, this candidate’s moderate stance can make him pretty bland, but the right sauces can spice him up. We’ll have to see if Pataki can reinvent himself from plain old spaghetti to more of a fusilli or tortellini.
Rand Paul: Bran Paul
Unlike bran, Rand Paul is far from boring. Paul advocates for lowering taxes and cutting spending so that we stop raising our national debt any higher than it already is. Bran will keep you going all day and night, just like Rand Paul does with his famous filibusters.
Marco Rubio: Marco Rhubarbio
Rhubarb can be a little aggressive (the leaves are poisonous), just like Marco Rubio’s position on foreign policy. While rhubarb roots have been used in medicine, Rubio hopes his Cuban-American roots will win over Hispanic voters.
Bernie Sanders: Bernie Spamders
Rick Santorum: Trix Santorum
A father of seven, we’re sure Rick Santorum is all too familiar with this popular breakfast cereal. Santorum has traded in the “Silly Rabbit” slogan for a campaign focused on hard-working Americans. Santorum wants the nation to stop trying to play tricks with education, advocating for the removal of the Common Core system.
Donald Trump: McDonald Trump
Whether you love him or hate him, Donald Trump is EVERYWHERE. His presence in the debates definitely feels super-sized, and he’s lovin’ it. If elected, Trump plans to protect the second amendment and reform the VA and immigration. The real question is whose hair is better: Donald Trump or Ronald McDonald? Let’s hope Trump sees the same decline in popularity as McDonald’s has in recent months.