As students requiring food for the brain, body, soul and weekends, it is time we demand food justice. It is time to fight the status quo of pale dining hall meats and limp lettuce and stand up for our birth-given collegiate food rights.
We may have abandoned our homes for four years, but that does not mean we must abandon the right to love our food. We may have exchanged our efforts to track calories for efforts to consume record amounts of pizza in one sitting, but that does not mean we forfeit our rights to crave good-quality nutritious meals.
The following amendments to the food constitution are serving up justice like the warm buttery breadstick of Chandler Bing’s dreams.
We the students of the Universities, in order to form a more delicious union, establish food justice, insure digestive tranquility, provide for the common defense against (or for) the freshman 15, promote the tastiest meals, and secure the blessings of meal-time liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and acknowledge that as the the next generation we fuel for the future.
I. Freedom to follow your current food trend of choice.
Students are free to follow or reject any food trend, including kale, meat, gluten, bubble tea, etc. Students are also free to change beliefs at any time, on any given day (i.e. be a vegan on Tuesday and eat pizza on Friday).
II. Right to bear a Zoodler.
Deprivation of spiralized vegetables will not be tolerated on any account.
III. Protection against unreasonable people searching through your pantry and seizing your food.
This amendment particularly applies to such foods as chips and guac, Nutella, honey crisp apples and any other food of equal importance, which shall be treated as private property unless otherwise stated by the owner.
IV. Right to Pizza.
Pizza shall be an acceptable meal any day of the week, any time of day, or any number of times throughout the week.
V. Protection of Oreos, Nutella and anything pumpkin spice.
May these staples of junk food and joy forever be in abundance on our pantry shelves and in our bodies and souls.
VI. Guarantee of the integrity of fruits and vegetables.
No student shall be forced to eat limp spinach, flavorless pineapple wedges, or weird crunchy strawberries ever again.
VII. Freedom to embrace the freshman 15.
College students shall no longer fear the freshman (sophomore, junior, or senior) 15. Instead, any extra body cushioning shall be celebrated as more to love.
VIII. Right to love thy food unconditionally.
Every bite of food shall be nothing short of a love affair.
IX. Right to avoid the dining hall.
The dining hall shall not be required to be the primary source of nourishment. This is a gross violation of everything food-loving college students stand for; we reserve the right to demand food above dining-hall standards.
X. Right To Double-Fisting.
It shall always be acceptable to eat with both hands to maximize food consumption in minimal time.
XI. The powers not delegated by these amendments on Friday night are reserved for pizza by the pie and happy hour specials.
Eat on, fellow students.