Safe sex is the best, right? Right. (And I'm not just talking birth control.)
If you worry about what you eat—chemicals and toxins in the meat, dairy, produce and grains you consume, hello pesticides and hormones—and what you put in your body, shouldn't you worry about what you put on it as well? Let's not forget that our skin is an organ, and one that absorbs substances it's put in contact with, not to mention that the lining of the vagina is one of the most absorbent parts of the female human body (which is why people make such a fuss about organic tampons and menstrual cups, myself included).
Google glycerin, petroleum and parabens, then tell me you want them seeping into your body.
...Yeah, I didn't think so.
So what's one to do? Turn to natural lubes that steer clear of synthetic chemicals and toxins (Sliquid is a very popular choice, although I'm partial to Frankie & Grace's ficticious-however-realistic yam concoction). But what's one to do when things get steamy and you reach for your lube only to find that it's more empty that the Grinch's soul pre-Christmas rebirth? Head to the kitchen.
These are options that you can turn to in your kitchen if you find yourself in a pickle, but keep in mind everyone's body and preferences are different.
Straight From the Jar
Coconut Oil
From personal experience, I can say that this works. Although you will smell (and taste) like coconut oil, that's not necessarily a bad thing. If you like oil-based lubes, this one's for you. Just be warned that it will be absorbed into your skin quickly (which is why I also use this as a body lotion and hair moisturizer), so you'll probably need to dip into the jar a few times.
But women be warned, coconuts are known for their antibacterial properties (thanks but no thanks), so using it too often as a lubricant could disrupt the delicate bacterial balance of your vagina and cause some unwanted symptoms—mhmmm, the itchy kind.
#SpoonTip: Canola, vegetable and other refined oils are not in the same boat as coconut. The only way I put those in my body involves a stir-fry or muffin (pun intended).
Make-Your-Own Lube
It's also worth noting that you can make your own lube at home. If you've got the time and the energy to do it right (which will include a little bit of research on your own time), go for it! Here are some of the most popular ingredients of homemade lubricants.
Aloe Vera Gel
Don't be fooled by this plant's prickly outside, beneath the green lays a sticky—but not too sticky—soothing gel flesh that yes helps ease the pain and irritation of sunburns, tastes surprisingly good in drinks and can even make your lube everything you want it to be.
Essential Oils
It's very important that you choose the right essential oils, because as great as some may be for aromatherapy and relaxation, there are antibacterial and anti-fungal properties that in combination with cooling and burning sensations of some oils can result in a not-so-good feeling sensation or longterm symptoms/side effects. Do your research.
Foods That Should Stay in the Pantry
Not everything you think could work as a lube will. Save yourself the trouble (and discomfort) of making an uneducated guess in the kitchen that will lead to regrets in the bedroom.
Water
Just don't. Trust me (or at least trust Mr. T).
Don't believe me or the A-Team? Okay tough guy, put water on your hands and rub them together for more than 10 seconds. You'll see what I mean. Not all friction is good, eh?
(That said, water is in pretty much every lube. It's just no good flying solo.)
Jelly
Remember that episode of House when a woman gets a yeast infection for this unwise use of her imagination? Yeah, that's based on some real science. Throwing a bunch of sugar into the mix can totally throw off your ph levels, resulting in—you guessed it—a yeast infection. (Which is probably why your aunt delivered you the unwanted advice to never to put whipped cream on your hoo-hah when exploring your sexuality back in middle school.)
Honey
Sure, the magic bee substance is silky, thick and sticky—but too much of a good thing is bad. If honey is used to seal cuts and heal the skin of cracked feet, can you imagine it might linger longer than you'd like it to?
Peanut Butter
If you can't use body chocolate as lubricant (you can't) then you can't use peanut butter as a lubricant. It's oily and it's delicious, but it won't provide the lubrication that you need and it's also go sugar in it—hello again, our old friend yeast infection.
Butter
Owen Wilson makes it look better than it is in You, Me and Dupree. a) No one should ever take movie scenes as real-life sex gospel and b) you're not a piece of toast.
(And yes, I know, the above GIF is from Starsky and Hutch. Any true Owen Wilson fan would, but who can resist that awkward dragon?)
Bacon Grease
Nice try, but you know this can't a good idea. Animal fat and grease can go rancid, who wants that allover their private parts? Unless of course, you get your lard straight from the butcher and can't get enough of that flavor base...
How can one avoid all the hassle of furiously rumaging through their kitchen cabinets? It's easy: always have a backup bottle. Problem solved my friends, problem solved.