Look, we all love pizza and everything pizza-related. But there are some people (you know who you are) whose feelings go beyond love. Pizza is their religion.
Here are some things you’ll never hear a pizza lover say.
1. “Let’s get Domino’s.”
No self-respecting pizza lover orders Domino’s. It’s just a fact. Not to trash Domino’s in general—it serves decent cheesy sauce bread. But it’s not pizza. It’s a completely different food, and a pizza-lover wouldn’t sink to this level.
2. “A small should be enough.”
If you don’t feel sick after you finish eating pizza, did you really eat at all? A pizza lover needs to eat enough pizza each time that they permanently regret their decision (and by permanently, I mean for the next hour, until they go back for more).
3. “I don’t want sauce on the side.”
If you’re going to get pizza, you’re going to want to dip it. While you don’t want too much sauce on the slice itself (because then the cheese on top gets all wonky), dipping your pizza in extra sauce is the perfect solution. And garlic dipping sauce? Heaven.
4. “I’d rather have a calzone.”
Calzones are just pizza that’s harder to eat. and a Low-Cal Calzone Zone? No, thanks. Plus, the most satisfying part of opening a pizza box is seeing the gooey cheese and thin crust, and watching the cheese stretch when you pull slices out. Calzones just don’t cut it.
5. “No sides, please.”
If your pizza place makes sides, obviously they’re made to go with pizza. And if you want the full pizza experience, you have to make sure you also order whatever else you can.
6. “I’ll wrap up the leftovers.”
There’s no such thing as leftovers. Forget leftovers. Do you think this is a game? Anyone who doesn’t finish their pizza is weak and won’t survive the (pizza-warmed) winter. And if you can’t eat it all in one go, take a break, but no more than an hour.
7. “Let’s get deep dish.”
Sorry, Chicago, but not sorry. Like Jon Stewart eloquently, brilliantly said, real pizza comes from NY, and real pizza lovers know that thin pizza is the way to go. Deep dish is just casserole. It’s a lake. Ick.
8. “I don’t have a favorite pizza place.”
If you care about pizza even a little bit, then of course you have a favorite place. Most likely, you spent your first eighteen years of life figuring out the best spot in your neighborhood, and the past few years sampling each place at school until you found the best there is.
9. “You choose the toppings.”
Um, no way. You can’t risk giving anyone else that much power. What is they choose something…healthy? Pizza’s not about health, it’s about grease and regret.
10. “I’ve had too much pizza this week.”
There’s no such thing as too much pizza. Pizza for all three meals is not too much pizza. Chances are, you’ve got a loyalty card at your local pizzeria, and they don’t even have loyalty cards. They probably say your name when you walk through the door and ask how many pizzas—yes, plural—you need.
11. “Get me a napkin for this grease.”
A grease is a part of the pizza, and let me tell you a secret – grease is delicious. If you want to be dainty and pat down on the pizza, removing its true essence, you aren’t respecting it like it deserves.
12. “Order me a side salad.”
We do not pretend to be healthy when we eat pizza. It won’t fool anyone anyway. Considering the fact that no leftovers are allowed (see #6), there’s no room in life for some dry leaves and (gasp) plants. Other pizza lovers will understand.
13. “Let’s go next door and see if they want any.”
Sharing may be caring, but who cares? It’s your pizza and you paid for it. If your neighbors don’t have pizza, it’s their own fault.
14. “I won’t go to his party just for pizza.”
Let’s be real. You will interact with anyone you have to if it means a free slice. Yes, even the jerk from your 8 am class or the girl who never stops talking. Pizza makes everything worth it.
15. “Let’s buy pizza lunchables.”
This is a compromise of morals. This is worse than Domino’s (see #1). A pizza lover knows that once you put your uncooked sauce and cheese on a cracker (or bagel or whatever), the world may as well have ended, because nothing good is left.
16. “I’m on a diet.”
Sure, maybe you are on a diet. But that doesn’t matter. Once you see pizza, or hear about pizza or even think about pizza, that’s all over. It doesn’t take much to get called back in. That saucy temptress.
17. “Let’s order something else.”
Who do you think you’re fooling? Really? There is nothing but pizza. Nothing.