At Spoon University, crimes are never allowed. However, there is a specific kind that allows for ultimate scrutiny. Food crimes are considered especially heinous. The dedicated foodies who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Food Crimes Unit.
We’ve heard rumors going around about some people who don’t know the proper etiquette when it comes to certain foods that Spoonies hold close to their hearts and their stomachs. These are their stories:
1. Biting Into String Cheese
Come on people, string cheese has the word string in it for a reason. I’ll give you a hint: it’s because you’re supposed to tear it, not bite into it. Tearing the stick makes it last longer, and cheese is definitely something you will want to savor.
2. Eating Pizza with a Fork and Knife
Eating pizza with a fork and knife does not make it any classier. Just enjoy all the grease and messiness the pizza has to offer because people disappoint, but pizza is eternal. And remember, pineapple does not belong on pizza either. Gordon Ramsey said so; don’t mess with him unless you want to be roasted on Twitter.
3. Putting Ketchup Directly on Your Fries
What kind of monster puts ketchup on their french fries? You don’t need anybody in your life that is guilty of this food crime. Because just like the fries, they are a mess.
4. Using Ketchup as Pasta Sauce
I can’t believe it’s not butter and it’s ketchup on the pasta. Penne for your thoughts, adulting does not include ketchup as a sauce. Try out some of these easy to make sauces instead.
4. Biting into a Kit Kat
The slogan for Kit Kat is, “have a break.” It’s not let’s take a giant bite out of the candy bar to emotionally scar everyone around you. If you bite into a Kit Kat, the joke is on you. Because the best part is the crack the candy makes when you break it apart. Oh well, your loss.
5. Scooping Out a Bagel
The only thing worse than a bagel that doesn’t come from New York is a scooped bagel. Food is meant to be eaten, not wasted. Just enjoy the extra calories of an intact bagel. Because no one should be ordering a bagel if they are trying to cut calories in the first place.
6. Eating the Filling of an Oreo First
Milk’s favorite cookie is just as beautiful on the outside as it is on the inside. Enjoy all of it at once — don’t tear it apart. Break hearts, don’t break Oreos.
7. Pouring Milk Then Adding Cereal
Pouring the cereal after the milk basically makes you a cereal killer. Cereal might be an acceptable meal at all times of the day. But, there is definitely only one way to pour it at all times. Cereal then milk — ’nuff said.
You can’t control everything in life, but you can control how you eat your food. So, please eat like a civilized human being and not like an animal. If you’re guilty of any of these food crimes, just know, it’s never too late to change your eating habits.