I think I have one of the most foul mouths under the sun. If you’ve read any of my previous articles, you’ve probably noticed that I am not shy in the slightest about cussing. I like to think I’ve grown up a tiny bit over the last few years and have realized how unattractive it is when someone constantly swears. I obviously am the only one who can control the things that I say but that being said, I do blame my parents and the state of Dirty Jerz on why I’ve picked up on this nasty habit. Thanks for that, friends.
I’m technically considered an adult now (ugh) which means I have to start being more wary about how I present myself; in my Spoon articles on Twitter and at my internship on air at WVUA23 News.
Slate broke down the most commonly used swear words in the United States very well so I am going to focus on those in alphabetical order. It’s time I take charge of my excessive swearing issue and come up with a few replacement words.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. –Marc Webb, producer of (500) Days of Summer. Let’s get started.
1. Angus
Angus, as in the type of beef used for hamburgers, is an excellent substitute for the A-word. This version should be used in the context of rear ends.
E.g.: “Abigail was being a Grade A pain in the angus last night.”
2. Broccoli
So, Broccoli is a noun but for this purpose it will act as an adjective. ABC Family always changes the original word to “witchy” when they air Mean Girls. Catch my drift?
E.g.: “Brehany has been acting kinda broccoli lately. Maybe she hit her quarter life crisis a little early.”
3. Chickpeas
OK, “crap” isn’t really that serious of a bad word but it has a yucky ring to it in my humble opinion. So let’s give “chickpeas” a shot.
E.g.: “Ah, chickpeas! I forgot to get gas last night and I’m already running late!”
4. Dill Pickle
Dill pickle will replace a word that refers to the male anatomy. The meaning has sort of evolved, though. Most people nowadays use it when referring to a guy who is particularly rude or mean.
E.g.: “Dylan totally blew me off last night to go play Mario Kart with his bros, what a dill pickle move.”
5. Dragon fruit
Dragon fruit just became synonymous with the exclamatory phrase “d*mn it!” There’s a sort of silliness but also severity to it depending on how you stress it.
E.g.: “Dragon fruit! My English paper is due at midnight and I’m only half done, it’s 11:55 pm!”
6. Fettuccine
Here’s an F-word alias to be used as an expression for when something goes awry. “Something” could be stubbing your toe, getting a bad test grade, missing a flight, etc.
E.g.: “Fettuccine! I forgot to set the oven timer and burnt my cookies!”
7. French Toast
I stole this one from that iconic Orbit gum commercial that aired in 2007. Use this when you’re appalled, disgusted or even just confused!
E.g.: “What the french toast is going on here?”
8. Horseradish
I hate that stuff. This will be a filler for H-E-double hockey stick in the context of the unpleasant post-life destination.
E.g.: “Wait, you didn’t send out the general community meeting notes from last night? Go to horseradish, Hannah!“
9. Prawn
Prawns are kinda like shrimp, but not exactly the same. That fun fact is not super important for this purpose, though. Prawn can stand in for a word that also begins with a “p” that is usually followed by the word “off.”
E.g. “I was pretty prawned off about Alabama losing to Auburn a few weeks ago, but I don’t care that much because we made it to the playoffs and they didn’t.
10. Shiitake
Shiitake mushrooms can be found growing on the mountain tops all over Asia. The stimulus for this excellent stand-in is a confused Austin Powers (0:33).
E.g.: “David Benioff and D.B. Weiss really stiffed us with Game of Thrones season seven episode four–it was barely 45 minutes long, now that’s some bull shiitake mushrooms right there.
So to clarify, I shall not judge if you’d rather continue to cuss like a sailor. There are much worse things you can do than using foul language. Like taking Vyvanse unprescribed. Or pulling too many all-nighters. Or binge eating. You get the idea.
Take cleaning up that dirty mouth into consideration, though. We’re all getting older and that means we need to be cautious. You never know who is listening.