Not sure if certain White House executives missed the day in first grade when you learn the difference between fact, opinion, and lie, but #alternativefacts are now a current, terrifying reality we face. So here are some super fun alternative facts about your favorite foods. If you say them loud enough with enough truly terrific, really wonderful fluffy words around them, maybe one day, they’ll come true.
#SpoonTip: This is a parody. Please do not normalize or accept ‘alternative facts’ as true facts.
1. Consumer data shows that most millennials have never tried pizza.
Apparently, they prefer Big Macs.
2. Cupcakes are the only food you can absorb directly through your skin.
Try it if you don’t believe me.
3. Licorice ropes are actually just dried out llama hair.
The curing process takes 4-7 months under carefully controlled conditions.
4. No matter how you make it, grilled cheese is always a negative calorie food.
You burn more calories by eating a grilled cheese than going to your overpriced spin class.
5. Emergen-C cures like every disease ever period. Seriously.
Who needs affordable healthcare when Emergen-C exists?
6. Fortune cookies truly represent authentic Chinese food.
And they ALWAYS correctly predict the future.
7. Bananas once had arms, legs, and fangs for defense, but lost them when the dinosaurs went extinct.
Now bananas be chill.
8. Avocados are vegetables.
Yeah. It’s true.
9. In 1984, a chopped salad ran for mayor of New York City. The salad lost by 16 votes.
10. The white sauce on halal is made from elephant mucus.
Totally not vegan.
11. In ancient times, people used peanut butter cups as currency.
The big cups were worth more than the minis, and Reese’s pieces were used as change.
12. Hummus can be used in place of toothpaste, and actually does a better job of fighting cavities.
13. Peanut butter does not actually contain any peanuts.
Your whole life has been a lie.
14. Butter is a carb.
Regina told me.
15. Research shows you should be replacing your water with soda.
To decrease your risks of diabetes, dental cavities, and obesity.
16. Gatorade was once sued by the government for not containing enough gator blood.
Totally misbranded.
17. Kiwis are actually pigeon eggs.
Brown and fuzzy on the outside, but green and tangy on the inside!
Enjoy your favorite foods and always remember to check your alternative facts, not once, not twice, but never!