I bet before reading this article, you probably hadn't looked at bread in any other way than as a staple in your breakfast with your omelettes or your lunch sandwiches. Truthfully, bread literally hold things together and is a symbol of such togetherness. While we love bread and how wholesome it makes us feel (in moderate amounts), we never give much thought as to how "sexy" bread really is.
After much discussion over what breads would make the list and arguments about what "technically" makes a bread (FYI, flour, water, and yeast or another leavening agent is a bread by definition), here is a definitive ranking of breads by sex appeal.
20. 9-Grain
It should be a sin for bread to be this disgustingly seedy. I'm all for being healthy, but not to the point where I cannot enjoy a smooth PB&J, amirite? 9-grain, not smooth and sexy at all. #20 for you, 9-grain.
19. English Muffin
Meh. English muffins just have no character by themselves, unless you really dress them up. They're like that monotonous history professor whose lecture you contemplate bashing your head against your desk, or screaming at the top of your lungs.
18. Pumpernickel
LOOK AT IT. It's almost as boring as an English muffin. If pumpernickel bread were a person, it would be that person whose favorite color is brown. We all know who that kind of person is. #pass
17. Rye
While this is an iconic vehicle for New York delis, it's not all that pretty. Nobody says they got a pastrami because of the rye. They get the pastrami despite the rye.
16. Wheat
Think about that person who's so full of themself that you wanna slap them in the face. That's wheat bread. Ever since people discovered that white bread caused diabetes and made the switch to wheat, it was a classic case of Cady Heron as a "less hot version" of Regina George. Relax, wheat bread, you're only at 16.
15. Naan
Naan and pita look very similar. Unfortunately, naan trails behind pita because although it's just as sexy, it's the quieter, hipster identical twin. Not many people know her, while mainstream twin pita gets the spotlight.
14. Pita
Pita is the popular, well-liked, social twin of the pita/naan relationship. She is the go-to at a party, with her boyfriend, hummus. They make a great pair. However, that relationship is all she's really known for.
13. White Loaf
Ah, the golden days where we looked at this bread in awe with naïve eyes before we knew the scary truth about what it does to our bodies. It's appealing, it's a classic, it's basic. Our childhood love is now a no-no for our health. Turns out it isn't so great for the planet either, FYI.
12. Hot Dog
Long, tan, and handsome, right? It holds wieners. 'Nuff said.
11. Challah
Challah is one of the sexier breads not only because of its lovely curves that we envy, but its classic braid. What's more sophisticated than a braid? Challah is a perfect example of curvy breads that show off not just its figure, but its class.
10. Hamburger Bun
Hamburger buns are sexy because they're #thick and are strong, beautiful buns that can carry a quarter pounder. Bonus points if it's toasted on the inside and/or has sesame seeds. Hamburger buns are exciting to see, because you know you're about to have a good meal.
9. Sourdough
Sourdough is famous for its sexy, round shape that can become a bread bowl. But the inside matters more when it becomes an equally sexy cheesy pull-apart bread. Get you a bread that can do both.
8. Italian Bread
This isn't always the bread you get served in an Italian restaurant, believe me. But when it's this crunchy crusted, soft, warm bread, your Italian dinner is off to the best start. The crackle on the crust and the pure white color on the inside makes many swoon. Bread is pure art.
7. Pretzel
Yes, pretzel is a bread! Bet you forgot about that. Pretzels are sexy because they're multitalented and can have pretty shapes. It can be dressed up in salt, cinnamon sugar, chocolate, cheese, or just be left alone and it'll still shine. They can also hold burgers or weenies. Of all the breads, this may be the most talented of them all.
6. Bagel
If you're from New York, New Jersey (like me), or just appreciate a damn good bagel, then you know bagels are high on your list. There's nothing more mouth watering than coming home from school and sinking your teeth into a nice Taylor ham, egg, and cheese (if you aren't blessed to go to school in NJ). Like the pretzel, you can dress it up in anything or everything, and it'd still look uh-mazing.
5. French Baguette
Ooh la la. The French really know how to capture our hearts by making some Insta-worthy breads that not only look good, but taste like no other. Baguettes are a skinny and plain classic with an outstanding rep for always being a crowd pleaser. My personal favorite is to have it as a vehicle for avocado toast or garlic bread.
4. Foccacia
Ugh. Focaccia is that gorgeous bread you get at that really nice Italian place with olive oil to start off with, or that picture-perfect bread that leaves perfect grill marks when it's used in a panini. The prettiest of the thinner breads (think: flatbread, pita, naan, etc.) and definitely the tastiest. It's gorgeous with its little garnishes of rosemary and sea salt.
3. Ciabatta
It's almost impossible to not have seen ciabatta before. Places like Panera, Starbucks, Au Bon Pain, and small cafés sell sandwiches featuring ciabatta bread. It's crunchy, it's thick, and it's a favorite not only by these chains, but any right-minded sandwich eater. Why would anyone choose a slice of white bread over ciabatta? Maybe it isn't garnished with anything or is dressed up, but ciabatta is sexy al naturale—it's the sexy model without makeup.
2. Biscuit
Take out a paper bag and breathe deeply, because this is a lot to take in. I mean, look how gorgeous it is. These little warm, flaky, buttery, and sometimes cheesy handfuls of happiness are the VS Angels of bread. You can get them at a restaurant, or even find some that are just as good at a fast food chain. Have you ever lusted over a biscuit? No? Just me? Okay.
1. Croissant
While some may debate that this is a pastry, it still fits the textbook definition of a bread. Delicate, flaky, crisp on the outside, and fluffy on the inside, the croissant takes top spot. Being an Austrian beauty, the croissant is loved from Vienna, to Paris, to Manhattan. Having a dainty and light shape and commonly eaten by itself without being a vehicle for anything else, the croissant is truly the sexiest bread in the game.
Maybe you may have some breads on this list you haven't tried or heard of, or some exotic breads that haven't made it onto this list. Regardless, keep exploring the sexy breads the world has to offer!