You know how some celebrities name their kids after food? I would totally call my son Oreo. In fact, my childhood cat was named Oreo, which I thought was ridiculously clever because he was black and white. Anyways. What I'm trying to say is that an Oreo might be the best food ever (the cookie, not my cat), and it tastes even better when you're drunk. In fact, what Oreo you reach for reveals a lot about what type of drunk you are.(Disclaimer: This is not scientifically proven.) All you have to do is pick your favorite Oreo flavor, and I'll tell you what you're like after a few tequila shots.
Classic Oreos
You're a total sucker for drunk food. You spend more time prepping drunchies than you spend on your make-up, and you think the best part of a night out is choosing your pizza toppings. You've been known to eat an entire box of classic Oreos in one sitting, and honestly, you could probably do it sober too.
Oreo Thins
They don't call you the "one-drink wonder" for nothing. While all your friends are pounding back the Jägerbombs, you're lucky if you can make it through a whole glass of wine before you're under a table. Just like Oreo Thins, you're a bit of a lightweight, but hey, at least your wallet is happy about it.
Golden Oreos
Just like these Oreos, you tell everyone on a night out that they're golden. Your favorite words are "I'm not even that drunk," and you usually try to prove it by doing cartwheels and falling quickly falling over. Oops. Next time, try some of these ways to quickly sober up for real.
Cool Mint Oreos
If your favorite Oreo flavor is the cool mint, then you're the type of drunk that just doesn't give a sh*t on nights out. Someone spills a drink on you? Whatever. Your friend is crying? She can suck it up. The club is on fire? Time for more tequila shots, baby. You keep things chill, just like these Oreos.
Double Stuf Oreos
Some people might say that you're more full of it than a double stuf Oreo, but you prefer the term creative story teller. You spend most of your time at the bar boasting that you once fought a shark, or that you lived like the Rock for a day and ate 20 eggs. The drunker you get, the crazier the stories are.
Birthday Cake Oreos
Just like these birthday cake Oreos, you treat every night out like a party. You can probably be found in the middle of the dance floor, busting a move to Shakira's "Hips Don't Lie." Your friends are still trying to figure out how you drop it so low without splitting your jeans. What can ya say? It's a talent.
Lemon Oreos
It's time to admit it to yourself: You're guilty of the drunk dial. You've called your ex more times than you can count, and the only time you're allowed to hold a phone on a night out is when you're drunk ordering pizza from Papa John's. Just like these lemon Oreos, your night can get sour, so make sure that you leave your phone with a friend.
Pumpkin Spice Oreos
If your favorite Oreo flavor is pumpkin spice, you already know just how basic you are. You never have to worry about forgetting a night out because you've already uploaded 20 pictures to Insta, and you consider any song by T-Swift your jam. If it was possible to whip up a homemade PSL for drunchies, you totally would.
S'mores Oreos
Just like a marshmallow, if your friends don't keep an eye on you, you're liable to crash and burn. You disappear faster than Houdini on a night out, and your friends spend most of their time playing a game of sardines to try and find you. Lauren? Oh, yeah, I think she's making friends in the bathroom again.
Peanut Butter Cup Oreos
You spend most of your night worrying about the other girls in your group. Is Jessica's coat warm enough? Will Emma remember that she's allergic to nuts and she can't have those peanut butter cookies you made? OK, so you're a bit of a mom when you're drunk, but somebody has to be, right? Just like PB Oreos, you're sensible and you're proud of it.
Double Stuf Heads or Tails Oreos
A lot of people tell you that you're a clumsy drunk, but you prefer the term directional-y challenged. Just like these Oreos, you have a hard time telling which is the floor and which is the roof when you've had too much to drink, and you wake up in the morning with a lot of bruises. Ouch.
Brownie Batter Oreos
Just like these brownie Oreos, you're super gooey and emotional. Your girls always turn to you for a shoulder to cry on. Unfortunately, you're often the one crying on a night out, usually about some boy that you kissed two years ago. And I don't mean pretty crying; I mean I-Just-Watched-Titanic crying. All of the mascaras you own are basically waterproof, because hey, a girl has to be prepared.
Firework Oreos
You know those people that run around parties yelling "fight me" at strangers? Yup, that's you. If your favorite Oreo flavor is Firework, then you've got a temper that's quick to ignite. You might be barely five feet tall and unable to walk in a straight line, but I'd still bet on you in a fight. You're a tough one.
Apple Pie Oreos
Just like some good ol' homemade apple pie, you're sweet and wholesome. Boys at the bar will be eyeing you all night, but you're too innocent to notice. You probably aren't even drunk in this scenario. You're probably drinking a virgin strawberry daiquiri with one of those fancy umbrellas, and honestly, you do you girl.
I'm not exaggerating when I say that Oreos are more than just a cookie. They can reveal your inner drunk, or your college major. They can start and end friendships (do you eat your Oreos whole, or twist them in half?). Oreos are truly groundbreaking. And to my future child, Oreo, who will read this article some day—I hope you understand, honey.