We already talked about what you favorite Oreo flavor says about your favorite sex position, but those were just the bland facts. Now, we’re going to talk about the feeling, the intimacy, the deeper sentiment behind how you choose to eat your Oreos. So sit down, tell us how you eat your Oreos, and I’ll explain what you’re like in bed.
Eat Them Whole: You’re Intense
Pros: You know what you want and you go for it—not all too into hesitancy. From the moment the bedroom door closes, it’s game time. Perhaps give your partner a helmet so they don’t hurt something (just kidding—never do this).
Cons: You don’t know the essence of “taking it easy.” Sometimes, you forget to savor the little moments, to revel in the fact that, damn, I am in bed with another person and this is amaze. Relax and enjoy it.
One Bite at a Time: You’re Sensitive and Delicate
Pros: Everyone loves to be coddled a lil bit, and you’re the angel of the bedroom—we’re almost shocked that you’re here. You make us feel loved, even if we met you at the bar, like, an hour ago.
Cons: You are the humpty-dumpty of feels. Because of the emotion you toss into, like, everything, you’re bound to get hurt with this one. I’ll leave a box of tissues on your nightstand.
Take It Apart and Eat Both Sides Individually: You’re Attentive to the Little Things
Pros: It’s like, you give us the best of both worlds and we are so into it. Want it plain and simple? You got it. Want something a little extra? You supply that sh*t and then some. How you do it is mind-blowing but, hey, we’re not complaining.
Cons: It’s like, the best of both worlds and we are very concerned with it being too good to be true. You must have something else wrong with you. We don’t know what it is. But we don’t trust you; nothing is ever this good.
Dipped in Milk: You’re Warm (And Sorta Too Nice)
Pros: We’ve never felt totally comfortable and catered to in our lives. Slow, gentle, and considerate, you’re probably going cuddle us to sleep, and then make us breakfast when we wake up.
Cons: When it comes to talking about how you eat your Oreos, you’re the most common option, but kinda overrated. There’s nothing wrong with missionary. But, like, push me against a wall? Plant kisses all over my body? Try more things, is all I’m sayin’.
Only the Cookie, Toss the Cream: You’re a Little Distant
Pros: You’re not really into us and we know it, but here we are—the awkward hookup that we’ll remember forever. These are kinda inevitable, and they’re useful for a quick “I needa have a roll in the sheets just for a hot sec” and then dip.
Cons: I mean, the sex is alright, but you called us an Uber right afterwards and didn’t return our calls. It’s great, because, hey, no strings attached, but also kinda weird when we see you the next day and you hand us the watch we left at your place.
Only the Cream, Toss the Cookie: You’re a Little Uncaring (Yet Somehow Addictive)
Pros: It’s kind of a fantasy to hook up with that stand-offish beauty shrouded in mystery, but you alsohave that super intense aura that drives us wild. You’ll leave us wanting more every time you refuse to stay the night because you have “things to do” at two in the morning.
Cons: The fact that you show zero connection to whoever you hook up with will surely leave broken hearts in your wake. Plus, don’t you wanna, like, hold hands or something? No? Okay, jeez, I didn’t mean to overstep boundaries.
Lick Cream off the Cookie, Then Eat: You’re Dirty
Pros: You’re into some, well, let’s just call them “interesting” pastimes. Like, you’ve probably done some naughty stuff in public, and have loads of experience in every sexual category. You’re down for whatever, whenever.
Cons: Okay, but like, where did you learn all of these things? Sometimes, being overtly sexual isn’t the greatest thing, especially when family is around. Turn it down a notch in front of the children, alright?
Used in a Recipe: You’re a Kama Sutra Stunter
Pros: You have the literal best ideas. We didn’t even know being in this position would hit all the right spots and still give us a great view. You have something up your sleeve for everyone. You’re like a dictionary of sexual stuff.
Cons: You are willing to put in work and pull a few muscles before the time’s up, and that can be exhausting. I’m tired! Keep it simple and please don’t bend my leg like that.
How you eat your Oreos says a lot about you, including how you’ll perform in the bed. But, why stop there? Next time you can bring them into the bedroom. Or you know, if you just like eating Oreos, because duh, they’re Oreos, you can do that too.