In Iowa, there are two things the people pride themselves on—tailgating and corn. Originally from NYC, I kinda always thought that corn was corn. But when I started at the University of Iowa, I learned how WRONG that belief is once you cross over into the midwest. A year later, and I’ve noticed something even weirder— different corn eaters have different traits, and I’m here to tell you a little somethin’ about it. Are you all ears? (Sorry, had to.) Here’s what kind of person you are, based on how you eat corn.
You Only Eat The Middle
You know what you want, and you’re not afraid to go against the rules to get it, even if your methods don’t exactly make sense to everyone. Like, the corn on the edge is the same as the middle? Nope! It’s smaller and inferior to the full-bodied, luxurious middle corn. You know what’s good for you and what you deserve — you’re not going to settle now.
You Cut It Off The Cob
You don’t take sh*t from anybody. You’re hella bad and you def know it. High-key is your motto and your strut is Beyoncé-level. Who else has the knife skills needed to cut off ALL the kernels from the cob? You. Wanna know why? You’ve cut all the drama from you life and now you’re living the way you want. You don’t need no cob to support you. Stay strong and free, love.
You Eat It Long Ways
You’re so chill, bro — like, the chillest of chill. You don’t want anyone to fight, you just want to make them feel relaxed and at home. You go with the flow and are one with the people. Most eat their corn this way, because it’s unfailing and true, just like you. You got our backs, and we appreciate your stability.
You Eat It Downwards Before Going Across The Stalk
There’s something wild in you, my friend. Your energy levels somehow always reflect that of an over-caffeinated chipmunk . We don’t know what you’re on, but, hey, we think your hardcore, single-minded dedication to eating corn this way is a-maize-ing. Don’t worry, when the inevitable crash happens, we’ll be there to throw a blanket over you and give you a pillow.
You Hold It Vertically
I just — I feel like there’s better and easier ways to eat corn than this one? Still, you’re the quiet, gentle guy who’s just trying his best, and you will always win over our hearts. We will support you in all your quirky ways, because you are precious and we can’t get over it.
Feelin’ a Lil Corny?
Like I said, I’ve come to terms with the fact that corn is a way of life for people out here — to the point where corn consumption is as character-revealing as a zodiac sign. Yeah, of course I miss some of the glorious food back home in NYC, but corn is def superior out here. Corn eaters, munch on.