Passover has arrived yet again this year. It’s time to reminisce on the triumphant exodus from Egypt as your grandmother passes you the Manischewitz, your uncle cheats to find the afikomen, and you are deprived of your favorite foods for eight days. It’s time to become kosher for Passover.
That’s right, my Jews: No chametz for eight whole days! Time to put down the bagels with cream cheese and lox, noodles, challah, blintzes, cake, and late night pizza, and transform your plate to ensure that the food you’re eating fulfills the kosher for Passover requirements.
Kosher for Passover (or K for P) means no bread or anything that contains wheat, barley, rye, oats. And it means no food that has come into contact with water and has been allowed to ferment and rise.
Although this holiday seems like a foodie’s worst nightmare, these eight days, where my fellow Jews “fast,” are actually not so terrible. This food regime is not by any means a diet. Instead, during this time, we actually expand our plates to many other sweet treats and savory delights, which proves that Passover eats are not a sentence to bland foods and starvation.
Here are eight reasons, for each of the eight days of Passover, why this holiday honestly makes us fatter and happier, with the doors it opens to all of these bread-less dishes.
1. You can eat potato anything.
Yeah, I get it; it sucks that we have to give up bread. But the second us Jews are promised potatoes, it’s like Moses himself re-parted the Red Sea to a bag of potato chips, baked potato skins, sweet potatoes galore, and french fry heaven. Then we all rejoice because the modern-day Jews feel like they re-found the Holy Land.
2. Matzo pizza might be better than the real thing.
Thin-crust pizza lovers rejoice: Matzo pizza might be the best thing since the pharaoh finally “let my people go.” The only plague that comes out of this amazingly cheesy dish is the constipation from the over-consumption of matzo and the blissful taste of K for P cheese. You’re bound to have four whole pieces of matzo pizza in one sitting.
3. Chocolate-covered matzo is horrifyingly addictive.
Dear Moses,
Did you purposely tell the Jews to get a move on with their escape from Egypt, so that we could all enjoy the incredible delight of chocolate-covered matzo each year? Seriously, if the bread didn’t rise on the Jews’ backs for the sole purpose that I could convince myself eating a cracker with chocolate on it is both -holy- and healthy each year, I am forever grateful.
Sincerely,
Jewish gal gaining weight
3. Fried matzah is here to make all your breakfast dreams come true.
Forget your avocado toast and trendy acai bowls in the mornings this holiday season. What’s up fried food? Fried matzo scramble changes the egg game. You can add jelly, syrup, or cinnamon for a sweet version or make it savory with ketchup and salt. Your breakfast plate is not missing anything without cereal and bread. In fact, it’s only getting more unhealthy and more tasty. Shalom my friends.
4. Manischewitz will save you this Passover.
Seder just started, and everyone is reciting the first prayer. Your grandpa raises his glass, and it’s time to finally take the first drink of the holy -wine-. Oh sh*t, you realize you were only supposed to take a sip. It seems like you finished the entire 8 oz glass after the first blessing. But that’s fine because so did Grandma Judy, your mom, your 17-year-old sister, your dad, and even your 9-year-old cousin. Blessing number two. CHUG. Blessing three, you’re three for three. Is this a drinking game? Because you are winning and wasted. And Grandma Judy is too because she is slurring Dyanenu and clapping her hands as everyone else forms a conga line with Grandpa as the caboose. How many calories was that? It doesn’t matter; you’ll have another glass.
5. Matzo ball soup is dank.
What’s better than a giant ball of carbs to change up your soup dreams for a week? Matzo ball soup is seriously good and trumps chicken noodle soup any day. I’m quite frankly convinced we’ve been telling the story of Passover wrong for years, and Moses actually floated down a river of matzo ball soup in his basket, and that’s where this awesome recipe came from.
6. K for P marshmallows can solve your sweet tooth problem.
You’re not fooling anyone by claiming you’re eating clean during Passover. Not only are K for P mellows KOSHER, they can be eaten any time, any day during the holiday. Put one in a warm hot chocolate, a couple in your morning coffee, and top your chocolate-covered matzo with several mini mellows.
7. Let’s not forget about French macarons.
Macarons are almost all egg whites, so you can stamp them kosher for Passover certified. These cookies are so good and taste so light that they’re addictive. Once you taste one, you can’t stop. Suddenly you’ve eaten 10 in a row, and you’re on a sugar high.
You can also enjoy the similarly named cookie macaroons. These coconut cookies are just as delicious as their egg white cookie cousins and just as addictive.
8. Mandel bread is K for P, and it’s delicious.
This kosher for Passover mandel “bread” made without wheat is absolutely delicious. We Jewish people are always finding ways to manipulate foods and make our recipes taste so good without any chametz and still contain all the calories. Thanks, Grandpa.
So is this week really that different from any other week? It’s actually not so much besides the fact that you have to put down the chametz.
I think we can all make it. Honestly, get excited because Passover eats, which you pretend you dread each year, are the best. So raise a fat glass of Manischewitz, have a slice of matzo pizza, and consume as much chocolate-covered matzo as possible.
This is what the Israelites wanted.