As a reality TV fanatic, I’ve been watching The Bachelor for years now, and each season, when Chris Harrison says that it’ll be the “most dramatic season ever,” I roll my eyes. I’ve heard that line more than, “I’m not like other guys.” However, after watching the first few episodes of Colton’s season, it certainly is the most blank season ever: tedious. That three-hour premiere, with cameos from Krystal and Goose that literally nobody asked for, and two very-much staged proposals, had me needing a drink at 7:15 pm on the first Monday back from winter break. Which I don’t think is the best sign that this season will be any less trashy than prior seasons.
Luckily for you, I’ve used that energy to make the ultimate Bachelor drinking game for Colton’s season to get us through another seven weeks of tears, cringe-worthy kisses, and drama. So pop open that bottle of rosé and pour one out for Colton on his quest to find ~love~ (or, at the very least, an Instagram sponsorship).
#SpoonTip: Please drink responsibly! Spoon University does not support underage drinking or binge drinking.
Take a sip when…
The camera pans over to an uncomfortable montage of Colton’s body.
Like, I’m all for eye-candy, but I don’t need three separate shots of Colton showering within a ten-minute timespan.
A jab at Colton’s virginity is made.
In the form of, but not limited to: a joke, some very obvious visuals, or an outright remark (I’m looking at you, Erika).
A random country singer performs.
Make it an extra-long sip when Colton and his date pretend to know the lyrics to the song they’re awkwardly dancing to.
Take two sips when…
Demi says or does something that aggravates you.
Try as you may, sweetie, but you will never be Corinne.
One of the contestants steals Colton away and is super extra about it.
It was uncomfortable when Onyeka made that “horn” joke, but when Sydney pulled a Tanisha with the pots and pans, I recoiled.
Someone references one of Colton’s past relationships.
With Olympic gymnast Aly Raisman, Bachelorette Becca Kufrin, and his two-day rendezvous in California with Tia Booth, which became the focal point of Bachelor in Paradise, as his exes, Colton’s been in some high-profile relationships.
Finish your drink when…
Caelynn and Hannah B.’s fight about their pageant past.
From one “hostile” environment to another.
One of the women insults another for being “older” or a “cougar.”
It’s toxic, rude, and just plain unnecessary. Do better.
Someone tells a heart-wrenching background story.
Take a shot when…
Heather gets her first kiss.
Or if it happens, I suppose.
One of the contestants is eliminated, and not during a rose ceremony.
Given how the season is panning out, this might get a little out of hand.
Colton jumps the fence and you finally know why.
Tbh, this is the only reason I’m watching this season.
Bookmark this page so that, every Monday, come time for The Bachelor, you’re prepared for two (sometimes three) hours of one-liners, tears, and escapism. We’ll drink to that.