A real test of friendship is getting your friends really drunk, giving them different snacks to rate as drunk foods, and still wanting to hang out with them after they personally attack you each time you don't serve them pizza. I did it so that you can be prepared the next time your housemate comes home demanding drunchies, and you are so welcome.
Let me set the scene. It was 6pm on a chilly, autumn Tuesday in a small Scottish coastal town, and the average blood alcohol level was 10000. No exaggeration. Meet the brave volunteers who took on this arduous task of drinking and eating: (from left to right) Sierra, Colin, Emma, Ethel and Luigi.
Get them drunk. This was the easiest task, they were really good at this. By 6.01pm we were ready to go. We were then ready to bring out the food, dish by dish. They didn't know what was on the menu, so all reactions, comments, and insults are genuine. This is basically a legit scientific experiment.
First Course: Garlic bread
'I love the way this fancy bread smells' - Sierra
'I do too, garlic bread smells real good. It's very garlicky and I like that about the garlic bread.' - Colin
'It's extremely garlicky, and quite soft. A classic garlic bread.' - Ethel
'Honestly, I'll give it a 4/5 because it's warm, it's tasty, it's like, you know, garlicky and salty, and they're my two favourite flavours.' - Colin
'1!!!! 1!!!! I wanna write a negative sign on it.' - Emma
It went down well, a good place to start if you're friend is clearly hangry but can't articulate their needs. This is a safe bet. Bar Emma, but you'll soon see, she's an aggressive drunk.
Second Course: Chips and Guac
Everyone loves chips and guac right? Right. Just look at that reaction. But things aren't always as they seem...
'I don't want it. I'm not impressed. I love you but I don't like this for drunk food. You look really good-looking today.' - Sierra
'This is store-bought guac, I want high-freaking-quality guac.' - Emma
'Emma's being aggressive.' - Luigi
'It's definitely straight out the refrigerator and I would have liked it to be at room temperature. It definitely has sour cream in there which is not good for guacamole. The chips are better than the guac.' - Colin
'I would prefer the tomatoes to be cut a little smaller but I like it, I actually like it, thank you.' - Ethel
'I think I'm gonna throw up after this, right?' - Sierra. But, was she talking about the guac or the tequila?
Sure, your friend may have made out with the sleaziest guy at the bar and ate a taco she dropped on the floor, but when it comes to guac, suddenly she's got standards again. C'est la vie. Be prepared with some fresh, homemade guac sprinkled with unicorn dust if you're going to try this one at home.
Third Course: Ramen
Ramen was not a success. Ramen was not what the people wanted. Comments here had to be censored pretty majorly.
'Is this Pot Noodles. Have you seriously just given me Pot Noodles?' - Ethel
'You forgot to drain my pasta, like my pasta is drowning.' - Luigi
'Hey Colin, you have the same thumbs as my 8th Grade boyfriend.' - Sierra
'This sucks, I hate this' - Emma
Colin was the sole ramen fan, he ate it all. Turns out it's also a great way to move in on the ladies.
Drunk people don't love ramen, or at least not store bought ramen with flavour packets. Honestly, I think that says good things about drunk people. Unless you're trying to move in on your crush Lady and the Tramp style, don't bother.
Fourth Course: Pizza
Eventually, you've gotta give the people what they want, especially if they're a bottle of tequila deep 'cus they'll get mean.
'PIIZZZAAAAA' - all
'Mama, thank you.' - Sierra
'DON'T YOU DARE EAT MY PIZZA' - Ethel to Luigi
'You scare me so I'm gonna put it down.' - Luigi to Ethel
'I still maintain that the garlic bread was the best, this pizza's pretty trash.' - Colin
'For the rating of the pizza provided to me in this instance: 23.' - Ethel
Can't mess with a classic. Pizza is bomb, king of all drunk foods. Note: people (i.e. Emma) were also a lot nicer once they'd had a slice of pizza - proof that it's good for the soul.
Fifth Course: Nutella
This is a personal favourite that not everyone has come across. A spoon and Nutella is the perfect drunk snack: chocolatey deliciousness and minimal prep or clear up, a big win for sober you in the morning.
'Go to town, girl.' - Luigi
'If you threw some ice cream in here with this... jussayin.' - Colin (proof that drunk thoughts are literal genius)
'I'm so drunk right now but I'm feeling great, this is great.' - Sierra
'Ew, it left like a brown stain down your tongue.' - Sierra to Colin
After much consideration...
It came in strong with a 5/5
People can be apprehensive to the Nutella-on-a-spoon concept 'cus it doesn't sound like much. But hey, you know what they say about little things...
The people have spoken
That's a wrap folks. Five courses and as many bottles of liquor later, we are ready to present to you the ultimate ranking of foods to feed your drunk housemate that you'll probably have lying around your kitchen. In reverse order: