President Trump (that title alone feels like an oxymoron), can take away our civil liberties, human rights and freedoms but thankfully, we still have what really matters: center stage in the world’s limelight as we perform the most ridiculous farce any country has ever witnessed. Post-election stress can be serious but you can beat the political depression and angst by following these remedies:
Eat Some Mexican Food (wall permitting)
Take advantage of the country’s remaining Taco Tuesdays before “the wall” goes up and we forget that we even have a neighboring country to our south. (You mean to tell me that North America isn’t just the U.S. after all?) Drown your post-election sorrows in tequila before it’s stripped from our liquor stores and bachelor parties. Be cautious, however – possession of tamales, frijoles and guacamole may give reasonable suspicion for legal detention.
Marry Your Dog
Urgent! POTUS will soon be revoking our perverted rights to marry our pets. It’s not too late for you and Fido to get hitched and begin your happily ever after. Celebrate your sacred matrimony with a swig in the toilet, sharing a bully stick or ravaging through table scraps. Just be sure you get a pre-nup because you never know what that four-legged may have up his furry sleeves for the future…
Travel to the “Terror Hot Spots”
With the rampant list of executive orders our fearless leader is signing, it will soon make travel to and from the middle east a little more complicated. Fear not, though, if you’re white. As long as you don’t exude the painfully obvious characteristics of a terrorist (because, clearly, they all look alike) now is a great time to explore the “Terror Hot Spots” like Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya, Yemen, Somalia and Sudan.
Get your passport stamped, eat brown ethnic food and enjoy being the center of bigoted attention as you explore all the hot spots have to offer. After all, these are the new 7 Wonders of the World!
Have a Picnic Along the Keystone Pipeline
Thanks to the brilliant executive order authorizing the commencement of the Keystone XL Pipeline construction, you will soon be able to picnic in America’s heartland (Montana, South Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma and Texas) while enjoying aromatic greenhouse gas emissions and other global warming pollutants.
Oh, you’re a nature lover? Set up your picnic overlooking the projected lake-sized reservoirs of toxic waste chemicals and tar-like substances. Might I suggest pairing moldy cheese, rotting fish and durian with your hazardous, open-air excursion– it will ensure a well-rounded, ecologically disastrous al fresco dining experience for all.
Throw a Kellyanne Conway Party
Finally, a Counselor to the President our country can be proud of. Kellyanne Conway is the whole package: intelligent, well-spoken, fashionable and quick on her feet. She’s radiates her uptight displeasure for life in ways we only wish we could actually express publically.
And who else could pull off the Paddington Bear look at a presidential inauguration when the entire world is watching? Who better to nail the just-woke-up look on primetime news? And who could be a stronger female role model for today’s subservient young women? Time to celebrate the country’s new idea of ‘feminist.’
Feast on Fast Food
Sure, you could participate in a super moving/once-in-a-generation march in an effort to show your disdain for the new government. You could also go on a social media hiatus or talk to your therapist about your political concerns now that Hitler 2.0 was just sworn into office. But why choose the positive, constructive ways to cope when instead, we can focus solely on what’s really important in our nation: The fact that we still have fast food.
Our new Commander in Chief is a fast food junkie and thanks to him, it’s pretty much guaranteed that the FDA will turn a blind eye to any healthy initiatives that were put in place by the former Obama administration. So long better labeled food. Adios progressive food policy. Make America healthy again? That’s dumb. Revamp the food pyramid to reduce the obesity epidemic? Why the hell would we do that?
Everyone knows that eating our way through McDonald’s Dollar Menu (or an oversized bucket of KFC chicken – Trump’s favorite) is the best way to kick the post-election depression and madness.
Well Done, America
Time to celebrate and own your decision, America. You’ve sealed our fate for the next four years. Just drown your sorrows responsibly. And chase them with sarcasm.