PSA: the following people are not to be trusted. They are the ones who will pull the chair from underneath you, tell you the milk isn’t expired when it really is and wreak havoc on your life. Simply put, they don’t know the basic rules of human life and respect for food.
1. Ice Cream Chewers
If biting and chewing your ice cream doesn’t make you squeamish, give you brain freeze and kill your teeth, I literally question your humanity. Humans did not evolve to have insensitive teeth, what the hell do you think the tongue in your mouth is for? Licking ice cream, duh!
2. Milk First People
Shampoo comes before conditioner, salt comes before tequila (and then a lime!) — things everyone knows. Cereal comes before milk, if you have these two backwards I don’t know if I’d tell you my deepest darkest secrets. You got your priorities backward honey, and you better check yo’self.
3. String Cheese Biters
It’s called string cheese for a reason! It’s like nails on a chalkboard watching some irresponsible chap bite down on a cheese stick. Please pull the cheese into literal strings and eat it like the rest of us do.
4. Corn on the Cob Burrito Eaters
Are you from Uranus? Because no one on Earth should violate a burrito like this. If people eat burritos like corn on the cob, then how do they eat corn on the cob? Hm…
5. Pringle or Pop Tart Disrespectors
Each Pringle should be appreciated individually, not stacked and jammed into your mouth — same goes for Pop Tarts. Split that package in two and enjoy them separately, not in a sandwich. Then savor them. Do you even notice the little joys in life?
6. Vertical Pizza Carriers
I know pizza is magical and what not, but all that hot cheese and those toppings are still going to slide down to the bottom of the box — way to disrespect something so precious.
7. Candy Bar Line Overlookers
Red flag! Someone who overlooks the lines on candy bars that are meant to make life easier is just looking for trouble. They might consider themselves creative for “going outside the lines,” but no. Also, don’t bite trust anyone who just bites through them either, please.
If you realize one or more of your friends are violators of these common food rules, don’t say I didn’t warn you and stay away. Barbarians that disrespect food in any of these ways need to get themselves in line.