Guy Fieri is basically roasted on a daily basis thanks to the great meme creators of the internet. I am surprised that he hasn’t already been roasted on Comedy Central due to his hair alone. He is an easy target, not only because of his looks, but also because of his actions. He does and says some weird sh*t, but everyone lets it slide because he’s Guy Fieri. Well Guy, if you’re reading this, you might want to hit the ‘x’ up in the corner because this article won’t take you to Flavortown.
The Roasters
Usually Comedy Central pulls together a very random group of people for roasts, but in our dream roast of Guy Fieri, we think the roasters should be the people who know him best. For the roast of Guy Fieri, we will assemble the powerhouse group of Ina Garten, Bobby Flay, Anne Burrell, Paula Deen, Alton Brown, and Emeril Lagasse. All these old and new school Food Network Stars will have plenty to say about Guy.
1. “Guy is happily married with two children, but I don’t know how because I cannot imagine any woman wanting any of that Triple D.” —Ina Garten AKA the Barefoot Contessa
Ina may look sweet and innocent from the outside, but she has some savage things to say to Mr. Fieri. After she says this zinger, the whole audience would gasp at the fact that those words just came out of the Barefoot Contessa’s mouth.
2. “I may be a high school dropout, but Guy is so dumb that all of his shows have to be abbreviated to three letters so he can pronounce them correctly.” —Bobby Flay
Guy’s most popular shows are “Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives” and “Guy’s Grocery Games.” They are also known as Triple D and Triple G. Guy needs to chill with the alliterations and acronyms.
3. “One of the things Guy and I used to have in common was our hairstyle. Unlike Guy, I was smart enough to stop wearing it that way because he looks like a combination of the Heat Miser and Miley Cyrus when she hit rock bottom.” —Anne Burrel
The hair has got to go.
4. “I may have been criticized for using a little too much butter at times, but at least it wasn’t dripping down my chin for the entire length of my show. Guy, we are all tired of watching you eat like it’s some kind of messy foreplay.” —Paula Deen
The world would be a better place if I didn’t have to see grease running down Guy Fieri’s face every time I turn on the Food Network.
5. “The Food Network is supposed to be a place where people can further their food education. When people watch Guy Fieri, all they learn how to do is shrink their vocabulary down to about four different phrases.” —Alton Brown
In any given episode of a Guy Fieri show, he will probably only use about four different phrases. He will mention something about Flavortown, something about out of bounds, and something about real deal, and then the show will end. If you don’t believe me, drink every time he says one of those phrases and if you’re not hammered by the end of the night, I’ll be very surprised.
6. “Ever since I left the Food Network, everything has gone to crap. Everyone knows that Guy Fieri is the Walmart version of me with about half the skill, style, and terrible hair.” —Emeril Lagasse
Emeril had his catch phrases too, but he used them in a more tasteful way than Guy. I remember anticipating the “Bam!” the same way I anticipate Christmas morning. I definitely don’t do that for any of Guy’s catch phrases.
7. “Guy Fieri is like the Kim Kardashian of the Food Network. He is notorious on this network, but nobody really knows how or why he is so popular.” —Bobby Flay
Bobby Flay is notorious for his competition shows. We watch a lot of Food Network and we’ve never seen Guy Fieri on one live cooking competition. Can he actually cook? Or does he get air time because he’s a stone cold weirdo? The world may never know.
8. “I’m pretty sure Guy Fieri doesn’t even know what good olive oil is. I guess if he doesn’t fly to Italy and press the olives himself, his store-bought sh*t is fine.” —Ina Garten
Ina Garten is known for describing ingredients as “good.” She usually goes over the top with making things from complete scratch, which the internet has a field day with via memes.
9. “Everyone is confused because Guy Fieri pronounces his last name like ‘Fietti.’ Apparently this is because he pronounces it as they would in Italian, but Guy is about as authentically Italian as Olive Garden.” —Anne Burrell
Don’t worry Olive Garden, your breadsticks are still bomb.
10. “Back when I was on the Food Network, we kept it classy by wearing chef’s coats. On the contrary, Guy dresses like a creepy uncle after his first trip to Zumiez.” —Emeril Lagasse
It’s crazy that the signature look of one of the most popular chefs on the Food Network involves a bowling shirt with flames on it.