I love the holiday season.
Whether it's watching the gentle flakes of snow cascade onto the bare trees and breaking my back shoveling it all up, listening to the Christmas carolers down the street and your next-door neighbor Karen complain about the local government's response to the blizzard, or smelling the hot chocolate on the stove and the salt lining the asphalt on the roads, I love it all. Don't give me ghosts, jack-o-lanterns, and candy corn - give me Santa Claus, presents, and candy canes!
Arguably the best thing about the holiday season is those brown tin boxes that - unlike those Royal Dansk cookie boxes that are infamous for their sewing kits - contain an assorted set of chocolate heaven. These Kirkland Signature Belgian Chocolate Cookies are common gifts - and rightfully so, because they're just so darn good.
However, not all of these cookies are created equal. From worst to best, here's your guide to choosing which Kirkland Signature Belgian chocolate cookie goes in your stomach and which one stays in the box.
15) Choco Harlequin
I will be the first to admit that these cookies terrified me at some point. As a child, I often believed that the jester on the cookie would come to life and start dancing in my kitchen. But, even when I outgrew that irrational fear, the cookie just didn't deliver. The shortbread and chocolate mixture isn't bad, but I'm not sure how I feel about the implied cannibalism of this cookie. Props for creativity, perhaps?
14) Starlight
Stars are great! They light up the sky in most areas not named New York City and serve as a source of inspiration for many artists. However, as much as I love starlight, I don't love Kirkland's Starlight cookies.
The cookie is basically a Choco Harlequin with a coffee cup engraving and streaks of white and semisweet chocolate. It's pretty to look at, but the crunchiness of the shortbread doesn't complement the chocolate at all. Sorry, Starlight, but you were better off staying in the sky.
13) Artisan Crisp
The Artisan Crisp is a crunchy square of semisweet Belgian chocolate with white chocolate drizzle. The chocolate itself is tasty, but its texture does not live up to its description. I would describe this cookie as more flaky than crunchy, as it felt like I was chewing through soggy cardboard. If it weren't for its texture, the Artisan Crisp would definitely be ranked higher on this list.
12) Choco Leaf
As a kid, I used to avoid these cookies like the plague because I thought they were mint chocolate. And, although I was pleasantly surprised to find out that there were no traces of mint in these cookies, the "unique shape" of them didn't really do much for me. These cookies had that standard, delicious chocolaty flavor, but there was nothing particularly special about them.
11) Choco Sprinkles
This is one of Kirkland's newest cookies to enter the lineup. I'm fairly certain it replaced the white chocolate square that had musical instruments on it, which makes me sad. This flavor serves as a decent replacement, although it's not nearly as festive.
I was initially worried that the crispiness of the pastry would disappoint like it did in the Artisan Crisp cookie, but it didn't. The crispy base actually meshed well with its white chocolate core. The milk chocolate sprinkles are a cute touch, as well.
10) Creme Caramel
Where the Choco Harlequin failed in its use of shortbread, the Creme Caramel succeeded. It has two layers of shortbread and milk chocolate that combine together in a flavor reminiscent of Pocky. The caramel makes this cookie definitely worth a try, although there are better cookies in the box.
9) Mocha Milk
The knowledge I've retained from AP Biology has helped me to deduce that this flavor is a Dihybrid Cross of Cookies. It ended up with the round and semisweet alleles - which are definitely both unfavorable traits. This poor combination took away from the silky Belgian chocolate. Mocha Milk is tasty, but its counterparts are so much better.
8) Vanilla Cream Roll
The Vanilla Cream Roll is one of the most underrated cookies by Kirkland. Every time I see a Belgian chocolate box out in the open, these poor little wafers are often left untouched. The vanilla cream filling of this straw-like sweet is heavenly. It's almost as if the sweet is actually a chocolate-covered cereal straw with milk (aka vanilla cream) stuffed inside of it.
7) Hazelnut Cream
Upon my first bite of this cookie, I thought the inside would be another caramel filling. However, I was pleasantly surprised by the sweet taste of hazelnut. It was like eating a royal Nutella cookie. I just wish there was more filling, since I didn't get to the core of the hazelnut until I was halfway through the cookie.
6) Caramel Delight
As part 2 of the Dihybrid Cross of Cookies, we find that the rounded shape of the cookies is genetically unfavorable while the white chocolate drizzles are genetically favorable. What I like best about this cookie is that the caramel complements the milk chocolate nicely. Neither flavor outweighs than the other, which makes the pastry much more delectable.
5) Double Chocolate Perfection
Chocolate, almonds, and cocoa?
Count me in!
These cookies take the cake for mixing some of the best flavors out there in one, round cutout of heaven. Its name led me to believe there would be too much chocolate, but luckily the almond undertones prevented it. This treat is definitely not something you want to miss.
4) Noir Crisp
I don't usually get to eat much of these, since my sister will devour them before I get the chance. However, as the third quadrant of the Dihybrid Cross of Cookies, the square edges and milk chocolate drizzles work perfectly with the creamy filling. Plus, the name makes the cookie feel 0.07% cooler to eat.
3) Sweetheart
Probably the most uniquely-shaped cookie of Kirkland's treasure trove, Sweetheart takes a high spot on this list for simply being itself - a sweet heart! It has a hazelnut base like the Hazelnut Cream, but the drizzle accents and the fact that it's shaped like a heart make this cookie that much better. Give your stomach a little love with this wonderful dessert.
2) Choco Crisp
It seems that this box has broken Darwin's theory of natural selection, because the cookie that has the best traits out of the Dihybrid Cross of Cookies is the one that seems to be gone most quickly. The white chocolate drizzles on these cookies actually round out the flavor of the pastry, which makes them a step above the Noir Crisp albeit the two being virtually the same.
1) Caramel Cookie
So, I may be a little biased on this one (and, by extension, the whole list) because white chocolate is my favorite. But no words can explain how exquisitely the pastry's white chocolate covering and caramel insides fit together so perfectly. I would recommend stashing these cookies away from public eye, so as to not have them stolen immediately.
So, next time you receive one of those Kirkland Signature maroon-colored boxes, be sure to save your favorites before they're all gone! Your tastebuds will thank you for it.