For the proud members of the clean plate club who pride themselves on the ability to always finish a meal (yes, leftovers are for the weak), I have something to make you even stronger. I present you with the ultimate gift of the holiday season: knowledge. Here’s how to literally eat an entire apple, from skin to the very center — tackling, confronting, and removing the core of all of your problems.
Step One: Like a convertible, remember top down
Your first bite should be somewhere near the top of the fruit. If your “first bite” takes you two or three bites to equate to this abnormally large one, that’s totally fine, but whoever bit this apple would probably thrive in a Honey Comb “Big Mouths Wanted” commercial.
Step two: Don’t beat around the apple bush
Forget everything you know. You are not circling the circumfrence of this fruit — so help me, god, I will Adam and Eve your ass. Instead of working your way around the fruit, work your way down, consuming the half of the apple upon where you laid your first bite.
Step three: Channel Nemo, touch the butt
Here’s when things start to get a little bit provocative, but I promise I’d never steer you wrong, so just trust me here. After working top down and consuming roughly half of the apple, bite that apple bottom (jeans) and put on your boots with the fur. Congrats! You’re T-Pain, and you’re halfway through.
Step four: Journey to the center of the core
Take one or two more bites at the base of the apple and continue nibbling up the side of the fruit until the seeds of the apple are exposed. The only other time you’ll see a fruit this vulnerable is if you deliberately leave a grape out in the sun for a week and watch it struggle, shrivel, and transform into a raisin.
Step five: Use the seeds to guide you
Like the North Star guided our ancestors, these seeds will guide you, as the pioneer of fruit expeditions, to total consumption and ultimate success. Bite around the seeds (at the four different corners of this side of the fruit) until you’re left with the very top part of the meat of the apple, the stem, and the seeds.
Step six: Admire how ugly this piece of fruit now looks
It’s hideous. You done good.
Step seven: You are literally about to remove the core of all of your problems
Is anyone else feeling breathless? This is the step that separates the followers from the leaders, the weak from the strong — grab life by the horns, the apple by the top of the stem, and pull up, removing it entirely.
#SpoonTip: If your apple has no stem, this part of the process is basically omitted and you continue on to step eight.
Step eight: From seed to shining seed
Now that there’s no stem, those seeds are going to be looser than your teeth were in K-5. Like a sadistic dentist, pluck those bad boys right out of there, spreading the seeds of hope, (which are now signaling the hope of you finishing this fruit in its entirety). The finish line is near.
Step nine: Your GI Tract is all smiles
Your GI tract honestly looks really cute right now. Pop that last piece of seedless, stemless apple meat right into your mouth, and party like it’s no longer 2016 — you did it! An apple in its entirety. Thank your fans.
Depending on the size and the components of your apple, these steps may vary slightly, but the technique is basically the same. Think through what you’re doing — you’re essentially going through the fruit rather than around.
Remember to start the process like you’re starting the engine of a convertible (top down), conquer a half first, and don’t be afraid to touch the butt. Now, you’re ready. Go forth, my young grasshoppers, and eat all of the apples (and all of the apple).