I grew up in a very sex positive household. My mom, per request of my grandma, sent me to college with a bulk pack of 500 condoms. I was known as "The Condom Fairy" to my freshman friends and had a bag of them hanging on my door for people on my floor to take (I had 500 of them, it's not like I was going to miss them). 

Two years later, all of those condoms are gone, but needless to say when I saw this article pitch I just had to write it. So, without further ado, let's get freaky: 

1. A zucchini

vegetable, cucumber
Madelyn B Bucher

A perfect fit. 

2. A cucumber

banana, smoothie, watermelon
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More like cu-member, ammirite?

3. A banana

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A health class classic. 

4. A smaller banana 

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Because bananas come in all shapes and sizes. 

5. A skinny carrot

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No offense to the carrot, but yikes.

6. An eggplant 

wine, beer
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It broke.   

7. A butternut squash

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Team work made this dream work. 

8. A grapefruit 

orange, egg
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ICYMI, "grapefruiting" is a real thing. 

9. A carton of raspberries

cake, strawberry
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It became clear in this moment that this one was a better idea in my head. 

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Broken condom, broken dreams. 

10. A lone raspberry

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You never know.

11. An apple

cake, caramel, candy, apple
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Did someone say red delicious?

12. A pineapple

sage, herb, vegetable
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Sometimes I think I should put a condom on a pineapple and then I think, hmmm, better not. 

12 .5 The bottom of the pineapple

ice, cake
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Honestly concerned as to why/how this worked so well.

13. (Cue "Jaws" theme music) A melon

vegetable, melon, watermelon
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Oh god. 

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All hands on deck. 

pumpkin, melon, watermelon
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melon, watermelon
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It took 3 people and 6 hands total to get that baby on there. Maybe I shouldn't use "baby" as a euphemism for condom.  

If you take anything away from this, it should be that one size absolutely does not fit all. Condoms come in a variety of shapes and sizes, so make sure you get ones that work best for you.  Also silicone based lube is extremely difficult to get off of counter tops.