My palate doesn’t usually crave the spicy, but after a Christmas holiday spent with Indian family, my tongue is begging for heat these days. A few teaspoons of chili are nothing, and ghost pepper sauce is like drinking a chilled La Croix water (well, maybe not that refreshing). Here are a few hilariously named hot sauce brands I found trolling the internet with their (crude) humor and audacious flavors. I can feel my mouth tingling already. 

1. Fifty Shades Hotter

Of course the world of Mr. Grey and BDSM would make its way into hot sauce flavors...Hopefully this Habanero pepper sauce is spicier than the awkward sex scenes I painfully watched with my mother. Not into hot sauce? Here's a list of 10 recipes more erotic than 50 Shades Darker. 

2.  Sir Fartalot's Hot Sauce 

If a hot sauce doesn’t include middle school humor, it can’t be that stellar, right? The jalapeno delivers the right amount of kick, while the honey and brown sugar temper it with sweetness. If you can't get enough of this sauce, read the children's book Sir Fartsalot Hunts The Booger by Kevin Bolger. 

3. Professor Payne Indeass’s Anal Angst X-Hot Sauce

Sometimes outlandish marketing is too much of a good thing, but at least this “butt blazin’ recipe” is no dud. And this X-rated hot sauce isn’t the worst of the bunch – Professor Indeass also makes a XXX-rated “Sphincter Shrinker” hot sauce. Cue Big Sean and Nicki Minja’s ass, ass, ass, ass…

4. Drunken Jerk

After a few gin and tonics and a dose of college boy immaturity, I AM this aptly-named hot sauce. I'm not Jamaican nor am I a marinade, but I've got a scary amount in common with this sauce. For the more gracious drunks, the black bean sauce and habanero hot sauce would go great with a midnight taco. 

5. Rasta Fire HOT HOT HOT Sauce

Dreads, psychedelia, and Rastafarianism — exactly my cup of tea. I like to think that Bob Marley would've devoured this hot sauce in a millisecond. Rastafari is a Jamaican religion that's shrouded in mystery and mysticism to the outside world. Too philosophical for you? Just eat this hot sauce instead. 

6. Satan's Blood

Nothing screams badass like devouring tacos coated in Satan's Blood. If, like me, you've committed enough sins to make the devil blush, drinking his blood is no big deal. This hot sauce is pure chili extract in bottle shaped like a blood vial - "extra" much??

7. Gringo Bandito

This isn’t a run-of-the-mill mouth burner: it's creator, Dexter Holland, is the lead singer of The Offspring (a punk rock band). Whenever my dad mows the lawns, he wears a hat just like the Gringo Bandito, except he's a small Indian man that only eats straight chili powder, not hot sauce...


The bottle caption on top says “Read Out Loud.” Feel foolish yet? This reminds me of the night I let my friend hand me a chip coated in a Ghost Pepper sauce. My mouth was inflamed for an hour, neither milk nor water calming the Trojan War exploding in my gum tissue. I never accept chips from males now. 

9. Harry Pooter, "A Magically Explosive Potion"

Harry Potter infiltrates every aspect of our lives, from reading to films to…hot sauce and bathroom breaks? This smells of Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes, and I’m sure Fred and George would approve of the play on words. If only this was sold in Harry Potter shops when I went to Edinburgh, Scotland (this sauce was found in New Orleans). 

10. Slap Ya Mama

It’s an ingenious name, although I wouldn’t recommend actually doing it. Cajun Pepper sauce sounds like a Louisiana delicacy, all the spices and culture culminating in a taste bud explosion. Slap Ya Mama also makes *sublime* seasonings that compliment boiled lobster and chicken perfectly.  

Worth the taste (and the laugh)

beer, soda, juice, alcohol, hot sauce, liquor, condiment
Stephanie DeVaux

I’m writing this at 1 am on a Monday night, but I could do with some flaming and ass-kicking hot sauce right now. The burning clears the senses while creating a feeling of accomplishment. If I can stomach Ghost Pepper sauce, I can take on financial accounting, college boys, the world, etc. Hopefully these hilariously named hot sauces make you emboldened and zesty as well.