Choosing a candidate is hard, especially when there are so many to choose from. If you’re like many Americans, you don’t really have the time to (or care to) sit down and go through the candidates one by one.
Vegetables are very much like presidential candidates – they promise you things and are supposed to be good for society. Sometimes you love them. Sometimes you hate them. The two were destined to be paired. So I give you the best way to pick your nominee.
Ted Cruz: Asparagus
The vegetable you love to hate. It tastes good, then your pee smells…for like, a really long time. It’s not fashionable, and old people really like it. Plot twist: this vegetable bears a striking resemblance to Kevin from The Office. I’m wondering how that asparagus managed to patch up that bald spot. Check out this healthy asparagus recipe.
Ben Carson: Sweet Potato With a Face
What a perfect doppelgänger. Is the potato sleeping? Is it awake? Nobody knows. Is Ben Carson joking? Is he not? Has he figured out where Syria is yet? Someone turn this potato into french fries because everyone knows sweet potato fries are better than regular. Check out this sweet recipe.
Bernie Sanders: Brussels Sprouts
Most would call them an old-fashioned vegetable, but surprisingly Brussels sprouts are making a comeback; millennials think they’re super trendy. They taste better now that they’re seasoned and caramelized, like in this recipe. That being said, they are still old and wrinkly, and a lot of people are saying they’ll expire by 2017.
Hillary Clinton: Broccoli
Seems green. Seems healthy. But you don’t trust the hair of the broccoli because you think it’s “full of secrets.” This vegetable could make history, just make sure it stays away from your email. Here is an awesome broccoli recipe.
Marco Rubio: Onion
Some part of you thinks that everyone might enjoy eating onion. You’re surprised by the onion’s many layers… then you realize every layer is exactly the same. In the end, the onion plays dirty – it throws overhand when playing cornhole, so it can’t be trusted. But check out this onion recipe to make you feel better.
Donald Trump: Eggplant
People that never eat vegetables all of the sudden love eggplants. It’s different from the other vegetables. It’s huuuuuuuuge. It’s inappropriate. It’s an emoji used for booty calling. Check out this recipe to cure your eggplant cravings.
John Kasich: Green Beans
They were on my plate, just hiding under the eggplant parm. I found the green beans, and I was like, “Oh yeah. I forgot about you.” Green beans are fine and nice, but they’re never at the forefront of anyone’s mind. Check out this green bean recipe that is far from forgettable.
Still unsure? Considering moving abroad? Go for it. No one blames you. Check this out before you go. Just make sure you make it back for Kanye 2020.