Moping over that guy/girl who played you, giving your sibling the cold shoulder over something petty, having a passive-aggressive text conversation with your roommate over borrowing your clothes without your permission... the feelings are all too familiar.
Maybe you've gotten to the point where you're just #done with humans. You're looking for someone or something that won't ever let you down when these fake friends will.
Enter chicken nuggets. If you don't own a dog (or have friends) like me, chicken nuggets are the closest thing you have to a loyal friend.
1. There's more than one to love.
It's the only instance where you can love more than one thing and it's okay. You can have all 20 of them, and none of them get jealous or petty.
2. They can be there whenever you want them to be.
Need a shoulder to cry on? Chicken nuggets. Boyfriend actin' up? Chicken nuggets. Went to the gym for ten minutes and need to reward yourself? Chicken nuggets. Donna would be proud.
3. When you need them, you can find them almost anywhere.
Grocery store freezer section or McDonalds, the options are limitless! The choice is yours. if you're on a tight budget, or if it's 12:50 am and you need a little pick-me-up — it all depends on how patient you are to pop them in the oven. They're there when your fake friends don't answer your text until a ridiculous amount of time later. I KNOW you're there. Don't play.
4. They are great listeners.
They will never talk over you, interrupt you, or make you feel bad for your decisions. It's refreshing to have someone there that would just listen, and not judge.
5. They aren't shallow.
They could care less where you came from, how much money you have, what clothes you wear, what your job is, what your grades are, etc. They're just happy to know you.
6. They won't talk poorly of you behind your back.
Sure, you may decide to share them with other people (which I don't recommend, odds are they're mooching off of you for your lovely, loyal nuggets). But when your nugget-stealing fake friends have the privilege and honor to have one of your nugs, it would never talk crap about you. In fact, it may even teach your "friends" a thing or two about LOYALTY.
7. They don't cop an attitude.
Sometimes your gal pals can get a little testy when that time of the month comes around. "Leave me alone!" she says? That's fine, because you have your chicken nuggets and now, Sarah won't get any for being sassy. Even if chicken nuggets were mad at you, they'd just give you the silent treatment. Much better than Sarah's PMS rage.
8. They aren't needy.
Eat them now, or leave them in their box/packaging and eat them later. They don't care. They don't really need your undivided attention. They'll chill till you're ready. Overdependent people (like myself) need to take notes.
9. They won't make a Tinder or Bumble account to hook up with other people.
Chicken nuggets only want commitment. And believe me, shirtless-mirror-selfie-bicep-flexing Chad from Tinder does not. You deserve better. Eat nuggets like you believe it's the truth. If you had one swipe left, would you choose Chad or loyal nuggets?
10. They would watch Netflix with you, minus the chill.
The fact that this term was even suggested seriously and not as a joke still makes me cringe. Chicken nuggets won't pull a move on you. You can binge watch the Gilmore Girls without someone slowly inching closer to you from the other side of the couch. Gross. I'll take the nugs, please.
11. They can try wearing something different, and will still look good.
Maybe you're not the type of person to tell your roommate how you truly feel about her new pink hair, but chicken nuggets look good in whatever you dress them up in. Honey mustard, sweet & sour sauce, barbecue sauce, or sweet chili sauce each seem to make the chicken nugget a different kind of beautiful. The best part is that if you weren't particularly fond of whatever the nugget was wearing, its feelings won't get hurt. Win-Win.
12. They won't judge you for not going to the gym for the past two days — I mean, months.
You may have that one friend who'll convince you to go to the gym because you haven't gone all semester and you have no excuse, but chicken nuggets couldn't care less if you haven't gone to the gym. They sure haven't. Who are they to judge?
13. They won't talk trash about your music taste.
First of all, if country is music, so is indie rock. End of discussion. Chicken nuggets like all types of music. They won't skip the song you're blasting in the car and say "WTF is this?" They're just enjoying the ride with you. My car. My music.
14. They get along well with others.
Chicken nuggets won't start drama with others, but could come in a little too hot. Literally. Your nugget-mooching-friends might not like that first impression, but they'll get over it once they cool down. After that first bite, there's nothing but harmony. It's better to have one friend with chicken than having two friends with beef in the same room.
15. They bring happiness wherever they go.
How would you feel if a friend brought chicken nuggets and offered to share? You're lying if you wouldn't be ridiculously happy. Don't mind if I flipping do. Children and college students alike enjoy and share the true happiness when it comes to chowing down a nugget.
16. They've probably been one of the few friends you've had since your childhood.
Think about it. How long have you been eating chicken nuggets? When was your first chicken nugget experience? They've been a source of joy consistently since you were 4 or 5. Chicken nuggets are a nostalgic food, even I enjoy them at 20 years old.
I bet you wouldn't realize all that, because you've been wasting your time with these fake friends, right? Next time you're frustrated with your friends, maybe run down to McDonald's for some love that your inner child will thank you for (and definitely a McFlurry).