HELLO WISCONSIN. Alas, the answers you’ve been waiting for since you started at UW (or at least the 10 seconds you’ve been reading this). Where would your favorite That 70’s Show characters be hanging out, down the street, if they were hitting the Madison bar scene?
Michael Kelso: The Kollege Klub
This one is almost too obvious. Kelso would fit seamlessly into the frat star vibe of The KK. From Friday After Class to 2 for 1 Tuesdays, The KK advocates for ’round the clock drinking, which meshes effortlessly into Kelso’s booming schedule of dating girls and looking good. Also, Kelso becomes a cop later in life…could really see him really hitting it off with the bouncers.
Eric Foreman: The Double U
What’s not to like about Eric? Eric seems to mediate between all of his friends’ drama, and is the common denominator of the whole gang. From the rooftop, to the dartboards, to a late night dance floor when patrons have hit the point of no return, Eric’s versatility would meet its match at the UU.
Eric’s weirdly childlike personality would also go bizerk when he finds out that there’s free pizza on Thursdays, and would probably gasp out loud when Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ plays for the 5th time.
Kitty Foreman: Whiskey Jack’s
Let’s be real, we can all imagine Kitty on that mechanical bull. Kitty is a bit of a wild card, just like the infamous Whiskey Jack’s. Honestly, it’s hard to articulate what an average night at Whiskey’s is like, but from the margarita machine to karaoke, I’m sure you can do the math.
Whiskey’s can get a little wild, but there is never a shortage of crazy, sometimes ratchet fun that nobody can resist. Kitty’s larger than life personality and M.O. to let loose would be put at ease after stepping foot into Whiskey Jack’s.
Steven Hyde: Monday’s
Monday’s magical algorithm of townies and under aged frat boys would only make sense for the grungy, mildly douchey, Steven Hyde.
Steven would initially go to Monday’s to eat free popcorn and talk shit with the townies, but would later hit on a Jackie-esque undergrad drinking a bottle of champagne. Also, Monday’s dim lighting would comply with Eric’s green way of life.
Donna Pinciotti: Chaser’s
Donna is just cool. She’s super laid back, and doesn’t need constant entertainment to have a good time. Donna would be the type to drink a margarita on the patio, and later slaughter everybody at trivia night.
Donna is 100% the type of girl to go hard at Chaser’s Taco Tuesdays (not because she’s a feminist, but because they’re actually amazing and Donna is the real deal).
Red Foreman: The Plaza
The Plaza is an institution, as is Red. They are both the true epitome of Wisconsin, and both love to get drunk. The old school, “no frills” atmosphere of The Plaza would be Red’s place of comfort among the masses of drunken college students.
While the demographic of The Plaza is somewhat random, it has been attended by the likes of Bill Murray, Johnny Cash, and John and Joan Cusack. It’s definitely an oldie but a goodie.
Jackie Burkhart: State Street Brats
Jackie’s naivety would naturally lead her to State Street Brats. She’d fall among the ranks of Sellery and Witte Halls’ finest, and would manage to finesse her way in via one of ID God’s finer batches of work.
Jackie would meet some nice boys in line, and promptly ditch them for the dance floor the minute she gets upstairs. She would fully leverage her consumption opportunities by drinking so many $1 rail mixers that her friends have to force feed her cheese curds. Eventually, she’d get kicked out trying to climb the cow outside while homeless people cheer her on.
Bob Pinciotti: Red Shed
Sometimes (or maybe oftentimes), you may ask “why are you still here?” Through introspection, and possibly rejection, the answer is clear: it’s not that bad.
As yet another institution, Bob’s mildly creepy, yet charming and lovable character would fit nicely among the ranks of Red Shed’s favorite customers. Similar to Bob, Red Shed is great if there are enough people there to distract you, but otherwise it’s just weird.
Fez: Liquid
Did somebody say (d-list) celebrities? Fez is there. With lights, dancing, music, and an unmistakable club-like atmosphere, Fez would find himself enlivening the dance floor at Liquid.
Fez wouldn’t bother with the old-school Wisconsin bar scene; instead he would buy himself a table and a bottle of champagne with a sparkler. Fez’s upbeat zest for life would only add to the pulsing atmosphere at Liquid.
Whether you’re a Jackie or a Red, Madison’s bar scene leaves everybody satisfied (not always the next morning, but always in time for the next night).
So when the clock strikes 2 and Kelso heads back to his frat for an a-bar, Donna walks Eric home after one too many, and Jackie is fast asleep in the shower of Sellery Hall, the students of UW-Madison students are reminded what makes those Wisconsin winters more bearable.