Season 14 of “The Bachelorette” features Becca Kufrin, former winner of “The Bachelor” whose engagement was abruptly ended on national television when Arie Luyendyk decided he actually wanted to marry his runner-up instead. If that’s not the perfect setup for a season of this classic guilty pleasure, I don’t know what is. So, in honor of Becca’s journey to find love (again), I’ve compiled a list of some classic “Bachelor” franchise lines and the perfect wines to pair them with for your Monday night viewing parties.
“There’s a lot of alpha males in here.” — Cabernet Sauvignon
Cabernet Sauvignon is like the tall, dark and strong dude of wine. It’s often served with steak dinners or other meat-heavy meals, and is known to fare well in oak casting. A full-bodied wine with medium acidity, Cabernet Sauvignon is a crowd pleaser, especially in America—just like the eye candy on the “The Bachelorette.”
“Take a moment, say your goodbyes.” — Riesling
Riesling is (usually) a sweet, floral, white wine that can support any situation. In an emotional moment like getting dumped by your girlfriend in front of all her other boyfriends, Riesling is there to offer a bit of relief. It provides the refreshing clarity to handle a difficult moment with grace, even though the sugar-headache will soon follow when you realize that you should’ve said something different in your exit interview.
“Can I steal you for a second?” — Pinot Grigio
Pinot Grigio likes to think of itself as a high-culture wine, even though it is mass-produced at low prices and available to everyone. It’s sort of a love it or hate it wine, just like the men who perpetually steal the Bachelorette’s time. Sometimes it makes them more likable, and sometimes you wind up hating them for being rude.
“If that’s the kind of guy she likes, then maybe I shouldn’t even be here.” — Champagne
Champagne is touted as the drink of celebrations, due to its bubbles and tendency to spray everywhere when opened, rather than its taste. Champagne named itself queen, and its drinkers care about aesthetics—like wanting to appear better than all the other men around, even though they’re all in the same boat (or on the same reality show).
“I’m not here to make friends.” — Merlot
Even though Merlot remains a very popular wine, it has taken on a bad rap (credited to the movie “Sideways,” which disses the drink). Those who continue to drink Merlot with pride don’t care what other people think of them. Or maybe they do, but they want to seem like they’re too focused on their own enjoyment to care, like the men who constantly boast about their one-track mind on “The Bachelorette.” It’s as if most of their time isn’t spent with the other men in the house rather than the Bachelorette herself.
“We have this really strong physical connection.” — Pinot Noir
Pinot Noir is romantic and intoxicating, like the guy who can’t stop making out with the Bachelorette every chance he gets. The wine will tempt and seduce you into keeping it around, even if you’re not sure why you are so drawn to it. This wine is like Dean on Rachel’s season—the two had a great physical connection, but when he asked her what her favorite dinosaur was, she couldn’t seem to remember why she was keeping him around.
“Keep my name out of your mouth.” — Nebbiolo
Nebbiolo is a powerful wine, bold and tannic. It’s perfect for an assertive person, even if that person would prefer to label themselves as strong or commanding rather than an instigator. Regardless, as soon as you start calling other people out for gossiping about you on a show that forces contestants to talk about each other, you’re showing yourself as a stubborn force.
“Gentlemen, the final rose tonight.” — Barbera
Barbera is a wine of the people—meant to be enjoyed young, it’s an acidic wine that serves as a matter-of-fact staple. Just like the obviousness of Chris Harrison’s classic reminder that when there is only one rose left on the plate, that rose is the final rose, Barbera is a well-recognized tradition.
“[Bachelorette’s name], whenever you’re ready.” — Rosé
Rosé is a classic for warm summer brunches and wine nights. It’s a refreshing pause from the day behind you, bubbly and joyful, like you will feel after a few glasses. When Harrison gives this reminder, it usually gives the bachelorette a second to gather her thoughts before giving a difficult goodbye. And this kind of respite is exactly what you need for a viewing party after a difficult Monday.
“I’m not an aggressive guy.” — Chardonnay
Chardonnay is predictable. It’s a classic that’s still contemporarily popular, but its not particularly revolutionary. You know what you’re getting into with a Chardonnay, just like you know that a contestant who labels himself as not aggressive is either really aggressive or will constantly be complaining about other men being aggressive.
“The most dramatic season of ‘The Bachelorette’ ever.” — Sangria
Sangria is a crowd-pleaser in the moment, but with enough sugar to ensure a hangover the next morning. It provides a bit of excitement, just like the anticipation of what drama is to come, but upon reflection, you realize than maybe you shouldn’t have finished the pitcher—and that maybe the season wasn’t spectacularly dramatic after all.
As one of America’s most successful series, “The Bachelor” franchise has taken over our Monday nights. And wine seems to be the perfect pairing to combine with watching two hours of reality TV drama unfold. Just be sure to pick your fermented grapes wisely.