Valentine’s Day is a time of chocolate, roses, sappy Instagram posts, and reminiscing on the exes of Valentine’s past. Some are bad, and some are slightly less bad. The good news is, I’ve compiled a list of potential gifts for every single type of ex out there for when Valentine’s Day makes you feel like being extra gracious.
For The One Who Cheated: Chipotle
Here’s a two for one burrito coupon to Chipotle. (I’m not not hoping you get explosive diarrhea in public.)
For The One You Dated in High School: EZ Squirt Ketchup
Remember when this was hot? Purple ketchup is no longer my jam. Neither are you. You’re both better off where I left you—in the past.
For The One That Got Away: Cheese
Just like my lactose intolerant self with anything dairy related, I know we’re just not meant to be, but I still miss you. Nothing will ever feel (or taste) as sweet as cheese.
For The One That Ghosted: Bag of Potato Chips
You know the feeling—you sit down to watch your favorite show after a long hard day and crack open your fresh new bag of chips, only to find it’s actually just full of air. That’s how it felt to date you.
For The One Who Was Just So Boring: Ghost Pepper Fire Dust
It was never anything you did, really, you were just so…nice. Maybe this will spice up your life and your personality.
For The One Whose Mom Still Likes All Your Facebook Photos: Candles
Take this pumpkin spice scented candle and give it to your mom. Thanks for the likes, Carol. But feel free to unfriend me anytime now.
For The One That You Still Drunk Text: Late Night Pizza
You know you shouldn’t do it, but there’s just something about the sweet bliss of intoxication that makes you forget about all the consequences of it until the morning. Give them two large cheese slices with a side of “U up?”
For The One Who Never Believed In Your Dreams: Durian Fruit
Wake up and smell the stank, Kevin. Durian fruit smells, well, not pleasant. Actually, this fruit smells worse than your “constructive criticism.”
For The One That Always Slides In Your DM: KitKats
TAKE A FREAKING BREAK. OK, really, thanks for the compliments, but I think we’re done here.
We might never get the satisfaction of actually giving these incredibly thoughtful gifts to our exes (partly because I’m not even sure if they still make EZ Squirt Ketchup), but at least the thought of that sweet revenge might be enough to get us through the onslaught of Valentine’s Day Instagram posts or the confusion of buying our current SO a gift. Happy (wishful) gifting, friends.