In some ways, a good Oreo is better than most boys… okay, let’s not kid around — an Oreo is better than any boy. Like, hello Oreo Brownies, you come here often?
In this article, we’re going to combine two of the world’s most sensual, amazing experiences — sex and Oreos. Here are the positions you should try based on which flavors you favor. Maybe multitask and have both at the same time, who’s to stop you?
Regular: Missionary
Let’s start with the obvious, shall we? Just like missionary, regular Oreos are your go to, and for good reason — it works, it makes you feel good, and you don’t really even have to think about it. Like they say: if something isn’t broken, don’t fix it. That being said, if you want to go a little crazy…
Double Stuffed: Double Penetration
This one’s a little harder to pull off because 1) if you’re the lady, you’re going to have a lot to take on, and 2) if you’re the gent, you’re going to have to find a buddy or improvise with some toys. But you’re a go-getter who doesn’t mind a little extra cream (no pun intended), and you can handle it. And another thing you might be able to handle…
Birthday Cake: Anal
From my perspective, this is kinda something you do with your S.O. on some sort of special occasion. It’s celebratory, an act of festivity and joy. Things can get pretty wild and surprising, but hey, that’s what these occasions are all about. So pop a bottle of champagne and throw up some confetti, and don’t hold back on the indulgence.
Golden: Doggy
There’s just something about doggy-style that feels so right. Maybe it’s the instinctive, primal feeling about it, or maybe it’s because it’s such an obvious choice, or maybe it’s the fact that it makes your butt look nice—whatever it is, this position is simply golden, so why not relate it to an Oreo that is, too.
Cinnamon Roll: Facing Each Other
This is for when you and your S.O. are all cuddled up, snowflakes glistening beyond the foggy window, fire crackling and casting a seductive glow over the room, maybe a cup of something warm and chocolatey in your hands. It’ll give you that toasty feeling inside and make you feel loved and cherished. And speaking of feeling all sweet and cuddly…
Mini: Spooning
Two of the most adorable things ever? Spooning and Mini Oreos. Both just have that appeal of being cute and innocent, but with just a touch of naughty. Same with Mini Oreos — you can have a ton of them and not feel too guilty because, hey, they’re bite-sized and too darling to resist. So indulge a little, but keep in touch with your sweet side, too.
Heads or Tails: 69
We all just want the best of both worlds and, when it comes to giving or receiving, we can all be a little indecisive. The same comes with Oreos — having to choose between Golden or Regular can be tough but, thanks to these bad boys, you don’t have to. Sometimes, the best solutions are the easiest and simplest.
Peanut Butter: Cowgirl
You’re an independent, strong individual who doesn’t mind taking things into their own hands. There’s a lot about this position that just screams #boss, and peanut butter is definitely the cockiest of the flavors. Should I make a creamy nut joke? Probably not.
S’mores: Over a Table
Table sex is a lot like a S’mores Oreo for a number of reasons: it’s spontaneous, exciting, and perhaps even a little dangerous (hello, fiery passion), but you’re going to go for it because what’s life without a little thrill? Maybe whip up some indoor s’mores while you’re bent over that table, too.
Oreo Thins: Standing
The apparent ease of standing sex as portrayed in movies and TV shows is a LIE. Whoever led you to believe that this position was a piece of cake greatly underestimated the sheer concentration, balance, and attention required to pull this one off. As such, it burns a lot of calories — or, at least, it makes you feel like you are — and so its reminiscent of the “skinnier” version of the Oreo.
Though, in all honestly, you deserve something a little more sinful after all that hard work.
The best way to enjoy two of life’s most wonderful experiences is, quite logically, at the same time. Maybe next time you’re with your S.O., share a few Oreos to let them know how much you love them. Or keep them all to yourself because, hey, these are Oreos we’re talking about. I won’t judge.