You’re a freshman about to return home for the first time for Thanksgiving break, and you’ve avoided all discussions of cuffing season because you already scored your significant other in high school. Now that you’re coming home, however, things are getting slightly stressful because the Turkey Dump (aka breaking up post-Thanksgiving) is legit.
As a ridiculously single non-freshman, I have approximately zero tips on how to avoid the ditch, but I can tell you if you’re gonna experience the Turkey Dump based on your favorite side dishe this Thanksgiving.
Stuffing: Take It To The Next Level
Stuffing is the ultimate home-style, comfort food, and your love for it shows your ultimate ties to your roots (and SO). This Turkey Day, you’re gonna take your relationship to the next level with some more serious level of commitment and finally lock down that ~open and unattached at school, together over breaks~ relationship status.
Mac & Cheese: “wyd?” Texts Only
Do not expect anything real with this high school fling—they’re about as good for you as that third serving of mac & cheese. Mac and cheese is certainly yummy, but it’ll likely leave you with some regret and an upset stomach. You will most likely not hear from him until Friday night with a short “u up?” message, and you’re gonna regret any response (other than if you shame them with a “lol” and then leave them on read).
Cranberry Sauce: Unclear
Just like this sweet and sour fruity treat, your relationship has been full of ups and downs. I’m predicting a roller coaster of fights, two couple Insta posts, and maybe 10 dramatic texts that it’s over to your group chat. You’ll return to college confused af, and this drama will continue through Christmas break.
Mashed Potatoes: You’re Safe *For Now*
You definitely played it safe with this high school love, and it’s showing. Mashed potatoes are ridiculously bland, and though this vanilla dish is reliable, I’m predicting that you’ll get bored of this relationship before the end of your freshman year. You’re not gonna get the boot this weekend, but you might wish you did.
Sweet Potato Casserole: It’s Love
Your relationship is actually sweet (just like this heavenly side dish), so you’re most definitely going to stay together. Please just keep your happiness to yourself, no one wants to see y’all snuggling during the Thanksgiving Day football game.
Green Bean Casserole: A Cordial Split
Green bean casserole may not be the most fun option on the Turkey Day table, but it is certainly the healthiest of choices (I mean it’s green, right?). You know that this relationship has run its course, and you decide to end it before Thanksgiving to get closure and prevent any cheating or other dramatic sh*t. You won’t be thrilled with this decision, but, like some green beans, it’s exactly what you needed.
Brussels Sprouts: It’s Over
Brussels Sprouts were certainly trendy, but that was like two years ago. Based off the fact that the highlight of your relationship was junior prom, I’m certainly picking up some similar vibes. This once bougie food is on the outs, so I’d be prepared for the split.
No matter how your relationship turns out in the wake of the terrifying Turkey Dump, be sure to eat up all your fave Thanksgiving side dishes. You’re gonna regret not soaking up more of mom’s home cooking more than staying with any f**kboy through the holiday season.