Panera Bread is one of the most popular fast food joints. Although kind of pricey, Panera certainly has something for everyone on campus. Everyone knows that food is directly proportional to one’s sex life. It’s basic science. So, Elisabeth, Kara, and I have compiled a list of what your Panera order says about your sex life.
1. Mac & Cheese and Caesar Salad
From the outside, you like to keep things simple. But deep down because you can’t choose just one thing, threesomes are for you. They both lack pizzazz and taste really bland, but hey you’re having fun and doing what and who you like, so that’s all that matters.
2. Greek Salad
If you order the Greek Salad with Chicken, then you’re having a whole bunch of sex. You like it with all sorts of people and flavors. Similar to your salad, you keep things interesting with people of all backgrounds because as long as you get your fix you’re happy.
3. Bacon Turkey Bravo
You’re not getting boned and you don’t really care. At this point you’ve accepted that sex may not be in your near future so you’re going for that double meat: turkey and bacon. And honestly, bravo.
4. Roasted Turkey & Avocado BLT
You’re not getting any and you’re trying to because you got avocado. Unlike the Bacon Turkey Bravo orderer, you’re extra and you’re searching high and wide for options like that turkey throwing it back.
5. Chicken Noodle Soup
You hooked up with the wrong person. They had mono and now you’re sick. The worst part? The only thing you can eat is the chicken noodle soup and just like the soup you’re salty AF.
6. Green Goddess Avocado Salad with Chicken
Two words: Sex. Goddess. You put the double D in goddess. You hate boring sex and always like to switch things up. Doggy one night, 69 the next, you can’t choose just one, just like you can’t choose just one protein in your salad.
7. Seasonal Cookie
You can’t keep a partner longer than the change of seasons. Every time it’s different: October means spooky sex, December means cozy hand time by the fire, and Summer means you switch positions more than the Virginia weather switches temperatures.
8. Oatmeal
You like things old fashioned: you only want missionary and the lights off. Like, come on. Oatmeal? Really? You’re young and thriving and you choose to eat what your grandparents eat? You’ve probably never orgasmed either.
9. GMU Ice Cold Panera Water
Let’s be real: you’re thirsty. That’s okay, we’ve all been there. Not only are you stealing hearts, cups, and cocks, but you’re also getting your fix on a regular basis. You like to hookup with people on campus because it has a familiarity to it, and you probably like doing it in public.
Bonus Round: Chips Apple or Baguette?
Chips:
You like BDSM and spanking. That crunch sound you hear when you eat those chips is what keeps you coming back.
Apple:
You like it rough. Not saying that’s a bad thing at all, we’ve all done our fair share of roughness.
Baguette:
We’re just gonna leave this here.
There you have it, folks. Your sex life in a bread bowl. If you’re still thirsty for more, check out our other articles and maybe we’ll throw in that pastry for $0.99. Be sure to check out our other articles about all things food.