Living in the world as someone that’s lactose intolerant is fairly easy. I get soy milk or almond milk, avoid the cheese platter, ice cream and greek yogurt, and occasionally ball out on pizza (with my lactose pills). However, I constantly find myself in these ridiculous AF situations regarding my allergy. If you’re also bound to the dairy-free life, or any food-related allergy, I’m sure you can relate to these absurdities.
1. “Do you milk your own almonds?”
Seriously. Yes, a text accompanied with a meme that reads “The hardest part about being vegan is… having to wake up at 5 am to milk all the almonds.” Let’s all just please take a moment of silence… Ok now, really? MILK MY OWN ALMONDS?! Do almonds have udders? No. Do I wake up extra early each morning and grind up some almonds in a blender? No. I just simply head to the grocery store and buy a jar of almond milk. There is no manual labor involved.
2. “Do you have your lactose pills?”
I get asked this question every single day, if not twice a day. Typically, my answer is no, because I’m just careless and forget my pills everyday. But you’re not my mother. If I have my lactose pills, I will eat dairy and take the pills. If I don’t have my pills, I won’t eat dairy. It’s as simple as that. Yet I still end up getting questioned about what I’ll order based on if I remembered to pack the pills.
3. When the Coffee Shop “Thinks” They Used Soy Milk
I’m sorry but I’m just going to need you to be sure of that. Not just think you put the soy in. If I drink regular milk in my coffee this early in the morning, it will surely ruin my day. And probably all of my friend’s days because I will complain for the next 8 hours about my coffee with dairy in it.
4. When You Know You’re Going to Get Wasted at Every Family Gathering Because All You Can Eat Is the Bread
Everyone knows the best part of family parties is the food. The mashed potatoes, mac n’ cheese, spinach artichoke dip, and of course, the parmesan flakes topped on every dish. I just unfortunately can’t eat any of it. And every. single. time. I accidentally pour one too many glasses of wine because I forget that I haven’t eaten anything.
5. Drunk Eating
Pizza, mac and cheese, nachos… you name it, it’s happened, and it’s always so cheesy. Mid-bite into my second slice of pizza, “Aren’t you lactose intolerant?” Why yes, yes I am. But I’m also drunk. So I will pretend my allergy doesn’t exist until tomorrow morning when I will regret everything.
6. “We’re going to lock you in a car and make you drink milk to see what happens.”
A common prank that my friends from high school claimed they would pull. Lock me in a car, make me drink milk, and “watch what happens.” What? Do you think I’d explode? If I drink milk, I will not explode. I will, however, scream until you let me out because I will be in the worst pain.
7. The Classic “Let’s Go Get Ice Cream” Every Night Over the Summer
We’re going to need to start to figure out better plans because I just can’t get ice cream with you. I also can’t get fro-yo or custard. All the cold delights of a summer night jam-packed with dairy. I suppose I can come if this ice cream joint offers a slushy, an ice pop, or shaved ice. But would it really be a good ice cream place if that was an option?
These are seriously some questionable AF situations I somehow find myself in far too often. For all my lactose intolerant people out there, I hope people stop asking if we have our lactose pills. And for all the other allergies out there, I truly hope I never need to become gluten-free because that would definitely result in some dumb questions.