Love your grocery store enough to swipe right? Turns out, a lot of people do. To discover which grocery store is the most swipe-right worthy, I set up a Tinder account for Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s to put their charm to the test.
Yes, these are actual Tinder accounts. I did the max amount of right swipes on both accounts every day for one week and awaited reciprocated swipes. To be honest, I was afraid people wouldn’t be kinky enough to swipe right on a grocery store. Thankfully, the humans of Tinder held no reservations about grocery store/human relationships.
Love was declared. Loyalties were made known. One grocery store reigned supreme.
The Contenders
Not all grocery stores are created equal. As far as the trendy millennials of America are concerned, Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods are the only acceptable meccas for food acquisition. They are pretty much the grocery store equivalents of Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling. Both undeniably beautiful, yet at the end of the day, only one can be your favorite.
One of these charmers will win the ultimate Tinder heartthrob. Place your bets now. Ladies and gents, meet your contenders:
Trader Joe’s
Bio: “Ideal date: Exchange of playful banter and puns whilst enjoying an autumn breeze by the ocean. We both wear the same Hawaiian shirt, but it’s not awkward. I play the ukulele and triangle in a one man band. Yoga enthusiast. Sensitive.”
Age: 22
Sex: Male
Seeking: Female
Whole Foods
Bio: “Ideal date: We save the rainforest in a casual sort of way and still have time for a Michelin-starred meal. You notice my calves of steel and I tell you about my triathlon coming up. Connoisseur of connoisseurs. Too handsome for my own good.”
Age: 22
Sex: Male
Seeking: Female
I know, I know. Either one is basically the ideal Tinder find. I set both accounts as a 22-year-old, heterosexual male to try and reach the biggest pool of potential matches in a college town.
The Direct Messages
People didn’t just swipe right for their grocery store of choice, they reached out. Enthusiastically. Thankfully, this was a great opportunity for me to test out the food puns I’ve been hoarding over the years. Also, a relatively harmless way to try to get on one of my all-time favorite trash TV shows, Catfish.
The NSFW (Not Safe For Work) Messages
All Tinder accounts are subjected to dirty messages now and then, though I was doubtful Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s would inspire such comments. Turns out, I was wrong.
This was the first message I received during my experiment and my reactionary scream could be heard within a mile radius. The gravity of my situation became clear.
Sent to Trader Joe’s:
Next came a similar sentiment, a shade dirtier.
Sent to Trader Joe’s:
I really could not allow this type of behavior to continue.
Sent to Trader Joe’s:
The Punny Messages
Many quality puns were utilized during this experiment. Feel free to write down some of these bad boys for your next Tinder convo.
The power of food humor should never be underestimated. Simple culinary puns can convince anyone that love is real.
Sent to Trader Joe’s:
Dreams do come true.
Sent to Trader Joe’s:
The chemistry was off the charts.
Sent to Whole Foods:
The Ooey Gooey Messages
Wholesome and pure Tinder messaging for the lovers out there.
We have all felt a spiritual connection to a grocery store at one time or another.
Sent to Trader Joe’s:
Heading down to city hall right now to figure out if marriage licenses between humans and grocery stores are legal, will get back to you.
Sent to Trader Joe’s:
Too soon? Not when you know.
Sent to Whole Foods:
The WTF??? Messages
Sometimes, you just have to wonder.
Yes, I am actually Trader Joe’s, obviously. Why would someone waste his or her time making a fake grocery store Tinder account? That’d be weird, sad really.
Sent to Trader Joe’s:
That awkward moment when you realize you already know your Tinder match, and there’s a bit of bad blood.
Sent to Trader Joe’s:
The Results
Drum roll, please… Trader Joe’s received 108 matches. Whole Foods received 36 matches
The winner is clear; Trader Joe’s is the ultimate Tinder heartthrob. Disappointed your man Whole Foods didn’t take the cake? Well, if it’s any consolation, this Tinder user wasn’t buying the Trader Joe’s hype either.
Whether you’re a Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s lover, at the end of the day, both gave a stellar Tinder performance and raked up plenty of right swipes. So, take comfort in the fact that you’re not the only one who has an unhealthy obsession with your grocery store.
Also, if you do happen to be a Trader Joe’s fan, then rejoice in the fact that you officially have a Spoon University reference to support your choice in the perpetual Whole Foods versus Trader Joe’s standoff. May the debate continue!