If you’ve been reading the news, scrolling on TikTok, or examining Twitter, you saw the big news arrive: aliens are real, according to the U.S. government. Specifically in front of Congress, a former intelligence official named David Grusch testified that “non-human biologics” have been recovered from crash sites, and that he is certain that the United States is in possession of non-human vehicles. While this is groundbreaking news for humanity, many social media users could not be bothered with this breaking news, making posts about how rent is too high and there are too many other things to worry about. Frankly, I will only stop my workweek when the ghost hunters officially have ghost evidence to showcase in front of Congress. Despite Men In Black becoming a based-on-a-true-story movie now, I remain unafraid. If these non-humans are here to stay, I want to welcome them with open arms and showcase the beauty of America and beyond. What better way to share divine cuisine than with an alien dinner party? Here’s what I would feed the aliens if they escaped Area 51 and came to my apartment.
1. Charcuterie Board
Now, I pride myself on being a good host. Any self-respecting home entertainer for the intergalactic would piece together a gorgeous cheese board complete with the little baby Brie wheels and Parmesan crisps. This item will be a fabulous introduction into the world of dinner parties, as well as tell me if the aliens also experience lactose intolerance. And it will tell me if they’re just like us and do not care about their IBS diagnosis.
2. 19 Crimes Wine
Nothing entangles American culture quite like 19 Crimes wine. It combines cheap alcohol with the elite faces of lifestyle guru Martha Stewart and world-renowned stoner Snoop Dogg. If I give the aliens enough Martha’s Chard and Snoop Cali Red, they might start telling me secrets, like who they each have a crush on in their spaceship.
3. Cosmic Brownies
It is my Earthly duty to make sure that all lives are introduced to the LDCU (Little Debbie Cinematic Universe). I don’t know how long aliens live or if they have “childhoods,” but I will offer them the elementary school experience with one bite. They will practically feel what it’s like to have “parachute day” in gym and basically taste the flavors of Crayola coloring products. If they hate the brownies, I’ll give the Nutty Bars and watch their little heads explode.
4. Spaghetti
Not only is the spaghetti noodle one of the most popular pasta shapes in the world, the dish of spaghetti itself is also cherished around the globe with a wide array of variations. However, I am feeding the aliens spaghetti because it’s the most favorite meal of their biggest fan, Tom DeLonge of Blink-182. DeLonge has been a fierce extraterrestrial advocate and believer for years, so it’s only right to serve them this in tandem with the full Enema Of The State listening experience. I wonder if the aliens like pop-punk.
5. Reese’s Pieces
E.T. was a little freak for these, so it only makes sense.
6. Gerrit’s Satellite Wafers
Staying in line with feeding the aliens candy, I would offer them the classic Satellite Wafer for two reasons. 1: To convince them to take all of these these space-themed “candies” back to their planet(s). 2: To show them what communion wafers taste like without having to convert them to Catholicism.
7. Hidden Valley Ranch
I am all about sharing my personal culture with the aliens, and that culture is “Midwestern Girlie.” I am serving as is, with a spoon, or a straw.
8. Diet Coke, Caesar Salad, French Fries
The aliens must be well-versed in hot girl world. They need to have a delicious meal of Diet Coke, Caesar salad (with chicken and shaved parmesan, I’m not an animal), and french fries. After we finish, we can take our hot girl walk, do a full skincare routine of Mario Badescu, hoping it doesn’t fry off their intergalactic skin, and then I will teach them about girl dinner. I taught my incredibly offline father about girl dinner, so this will be exactly like that situation.
9. Taco Bell Mexican Pizza
Unfortunately, this will not showcase the beauty of traditional Mexican or Italian cuisine. However, it will showcase how good Taco Bell tastes after drinking a whole bottle of Martha’s Chard at 2 a.m., and I think that’s a beautiful thing.
10. Starbucks Venti Cold Brew
I don’t keep any digestifs on my bar cart, so this is the next best thing. As the good host I am, I would showcase Starbucks in all of their coffee and Refresher glory and also make sure my guests won’t be constipated for their evening. If aliens need any help, that is.
11. Listerine Strips
If aliens have breath, I will make sure it is not stinky. Remember, I am the best host.