Food and sex have traditionally been associated with each other, and for a good reason. Food is sexy, and so is sex – if it's not, you might be doing it wrong. But what do you get when you combine sex and food? Ultra-sexy time?
The reality is, food and sex together are not as sexy as you would want it to be. Believe it or not, there are a plethora of issues that come up when you mix food during sex, like infections and irritations.
Trust me, no one wants to wake up the next morning with itchy and smelly private parts or sticky bedding, among many other things. I'm here to crack down on the usage of food to amp up sex, so read on carefully to find out what you really shouldn't be eating off of your significant other.
1. Candy
Let's start off with the basics: physical mess. Edible candy bras, or candy necklaces as garters? If you're using Warheads as "hot spots" and Sour Belts to get a little frisky with spanking, you better think twice about the mess you're bound to make. Sticky skin, prickly, sugar-coated bedsheets, and a sugar high crash don't exactly add up, if you ask me.
2. Chocolate
The classic aphrodisiac to add to sex isn't as glamorous and romantic as you would think it to be. In reality, it's messy and hard to clean up. Warmer and more moist places, like vaginas, encourage the growth of bacteria and yeast. Sugar is a major food source for bacteria and yeast, and you may end up getting or giving a yeast infection.
Even if you thoroughly clean up, chances are high that there will be remnants in hard-to-reach areas. Besides, cleaning will wash away the body's natural lubrication, which will increase not only the chance of irritation and/or tearing during penetration, but also bacterial growth and infections.
3. Alcohol
Body shots, anyone? Depending on what kind of ingredients you use, there may be trace amounts of sugar or other components that may irritate or burn the skin, especially in sensitive areas.
How much can a belly button (or any other body crevice) even hold? It doesn’t seem very efficient to drink off your partner, so you may be better off just going with actual cups or shot glasses.
You may even be able to spare yourself from cotton mouth or whiskey dick.
4. Fruits and Vegetables
You’d be surprised what kinds of fruits and vegetables doctors find and remove from their patients. The anus and vagina are actually muscles and have sphincters that can easily (and automatically) contract and trap smaller produce, like grapes. Due to the nature of these muscles, it is probably going to be difficult for you to remove alone, and may warrant an embarrassing trip to the doctor. Otherwise, you'll end up with the wrong kind of wine in the wrong place (but not really).
If you insist on inserting any fruit or vegetable into the body, make sure to properly wash and clean before doing so, and to always use protection, because bacteria may still exist and inhabit your vagina or anus. Your private parts do not handle bacteria like your GI tract does, which may result in bacterial infections and days of discomfort. Why go through all that trouble, when you can easily get your hands on a dildo or sex toy?
5. Oils
Be very careful of using oils with your partner, because oils break down latex and make condoms ineffective, increasing the risks of pregnancy and STI's. While they may smell good and serve as great lubricants, oils (even whipped cream and coconut oil), should not be used in sensitive areas. In addition, oils are hard to wash off, especially in the vagina, and trap bacteria and other particles that may irritate sensitive genital areas.
6. Spices and Spicy Food
This refers to spices used in both sweet and savory cooking. Some spices, like chili peppers, contain especially high amounts of capsaicin, which is known to be a major irritant for mammals. Capsaicin irritates mucous membranes and induces the production of more mucous. This is the body's natural defense mechanism to block out bacteria and viruses (that's why you get snot in your nose). If spices come into play, mucous membranes in the vagina will surely react, produce more mucus, and become even more sensitive. "Spicy time" won't be so spicy anymore, will it?
Yes, this list covers a lot, but all foods are a risk if used on, inside, or near the genitals. The bottom line is, you can do anything you want, but I strongly urge you to think twice before playing with food during sex. Feel free to check out your nearest sex shop for sugar-free and glycerin-free options you can use in safer food-sex play. And always, practice safe and consensual sex!