Peeps: either you love them, or you don’t. While some people simply adore the (neon, artificial) color they add to an Easter basket, others (myself included) feel their skin crawl every time we see them.
Personally, I think eating a box of Peeps sounds like a punishment straight out of hell, but if they’re your sugarcoated jam, by all means take them off my hands. For those of you who can’t understand why Peeps terrify my mind, body, mouth and spirit, allow me to explain:
1. They practically taste like plastic.
Peeps do not taste like magical marshmallowy goodness; rather, they are horrific combination of too much corn syrup with highlights of identifiable fake flavors and artificial colors. We can just taste the red #40 now.
2. The texture.
It’s like a wet, mucousy cotton ball wrapped in a grainy sugar-like substance, creating a bizarre mouthfeel that can rub the wrong way.
3. They’re not even cute.
In fact, they’re terrifying. TERRIFYING. Look at those beady little eyes just waiting to pounce on you. Pure evil.
4. If the face didn’t send you running for the hills, the list of ingredients will.
The color dyes change amongst flavors, but for example, yellow Peeps (the most popular flavor) contain sugar, corn syrup, gelatin, less than 0.5% of following: yellow #5, potassium sorbate, natural flavors, carnauba wax. Let’s all now recall that gelatin is derived from cattle hooves and carnauba wax is the main ingredient in car wax. No thank you.
5. One serving (5 Peeps) contains 36 grams of sugar.
That’s more than an 8-oz. serving of Mountain Dew. Besides sugar, the nutrition label has absolutely nothing to offer.
6. Peep-flavored milk now exists.
Now you can wash down the candy with a liquid equally as frightening available in Chocolate Marshmallow, Marshmallow, and Easter Egg Nog. Jimmy Kimmel said it, “tastes like breast milk from a mother clown.”
7. They’ve taken over all holidays.
Peeps used to only haunt us around Easter, but they are now a year-round item, meaning those of us who fear the little bunnies and chickies get no reprieve from their beady little black eyes staring back at us in the candy aisle.
8. They keep coming up with new, disturbing flavors.
Each of which sounds worse than the last. Just when you’ve finally come to terms with the idea of Party Cake-flavored Peeps, you come across the Sour Watermelon, Bubble Gum, and Sweet Lemonade. Yikes.
9. If you put one in the microwave, it nearly blows up.
Just a few seconds in the microwave turn it into a big puffy version of its original self, then it slowly melts into a puddle like the Evil Witch of the West herself.
If this is not evidence enough that these are not meant to be consumed, we don’t know what is. But at least we know how to effectively destroy them if they find their way into our homes.
In case you want more Peeps: