"Let's do brunch!" A phrase that's otherwise known as a contender for "the most popular phrase used by young trendy females." The concept of brunching has been around longer than any of you reading this, and seems like it is here to stay forever. And why wouldn’t it? A luxurious meal that bridges the gap between breakfast and lunch with the inclusion of booze—I really can’t think of anything better. I think people would brunch even if it just meant mimosas.

So I’m sure you’re wondering why this article is pitted against this seemingly perfect meal? Well let me explain why I just can't do brunch.

1. That Sh* t Is expensive

It’s all fun and games and Belgian waffles until you get the bill. Sure, your Insta game stepped up at least 3 notches when you posted that pic of your best friend and a Bloody Mary, but was that picture really worth $25? I wish my minimum wage job paid enough for me to ball out Saturday morning at some fancy place with fresh flowers on every table, but sadly I’m marching myself to the always solid Waffle House (IHOP if the direct deposit hits early) Holllllla at that $7 all-star special! 

sausage, chocolate, bacon
Jesse Keener

2. The Time Factor

I know, I know, 10 am isn’t early by any means, but who knows what your Friday night plans were. On Saturday there is no physical way I can get out of bed before 12 pm, let alone look presentable for a brunch. Most brunch places stop serving at 1, and I just honestly can’t make that type of commitment. McDonald's breakfast is served all day, and with that kind of safety net, there’s just no way I will make it. Plus, even if I can make it up in enough time, I will still be stuck behind an hour-long wait just to get a mimosa! If I was at home I'd already be two bottles deep in champagne. Which brings me to my next reason. 

3. Waiting for What Seems Like Forever

This might arguably be the absolute worst. I think a picture of me Saturday at 11 am after a long night out would be the image of hangry. I'm just trying to get some pancakes not a 5-course meal. I know I sound dramatic, but really what is worse than having to wait forever for your first meal of the day?! Brunch is popular, and rightfully so, but come on that wait time just ruins it for me. All the gal pals want their Insta likes, but does your hunger not outweigh your desire to be trendy?! Surely I can’t be alone here. 

4. I’m Honestly Feeling Judged

When I step foot into waffle house with my makeup from last night, hair in a bun, and a raggedy old t-shirt, my boy Joey greets me with nothing but a smile and my usual chocolate milk. I don’t know about you, but something tells me that expensive brunch place downtown isn’t going to be as understanding. I’m trying to be realistic here; based on some of the girls I’m friends with on Snapchat, I do NOT look like them on a Saturday morning.

They’ve got their cute sweaters and pink lipsticks on, looking straight off a Pinterest board. Me on the other hand, well I look like I came straight from a frat house. All in all, the judge-y looks aren’t going to be worth the eggs Benedict. Plus, this really is my act of service to all brunch-goers everywhere. I’m going to take a stab in the dark here and assume your brunching experience would be much better without a girl who reeks of vodka crans here... Thank me later!

5. I Suck at Taking Pictures

I know what you’re thinking, what the hell does this have to do with brunch? Well, the answer is EVERYTHING. What’s the point of brunch if you don't get a good pic from it? I mean you woke up relatively early, looked cute, just spent a sh*t ton of money, and for what? To get some mediocre Snapchat that isn’t even good enough to Insta story? Nah fam, not worth it. Until I can learn how to make my food somehow look like a gift from God, I’m gonna have to pass on the brunch.

Long story short, if you are a regular at brunch I honestly envy you. Those mimosas and fresh fruit really do look divine, but I’ll be watching your trendy Snapchats from afar (aka Waffle House). Some of us just can't do brunch, and that's okay. Maybe one day I’ll get my life together enough to join you all, and maybe one day I’ll even learn how to take a decent picture, but until then you know where to find me. 

pizza, tea, coffee, beer
Jesse Keener