So your friends invite you out, you've had a few cold ones, and you're feeling a lil buzz coming on. If you're day drinking, tailgating, pre-gaming, or out at the club and reading this, you're probably drunk right now and you should have some water, but here's how to tell.

#SpoonTip: Spoon University does not encourage binge drinking or underage drinking. Seriously, guys, it's not cool. Please drink responsibly. 

Is talking just, like, really rough right now but ya gotta do tons of it?

Maybe you're not the best at talking right now, but, hey, you got a lotta important things to say. Even if no one has a clue what you're telling them, the emotional impact of your words will stay with them forever. That's what matters most.

Did you just order enough tequila to kill a horse?

Tequila has been the villain of many a tragic, drunken tale, so if you're ordering numerous drinks of this stuff, you're drunk right now—no question. You're probably beyond the point of giving a f*ck, so your crew better keep an eye on you.

Is your walk just a touch crooked?

Maybe you trip over your feet on an average day, but when you stumble into objects that "totally came out of nowhere, dude, I swear it," you're probs drunk. Just a little. Hey, neat excuse to bump into that cutie at the bar and start a convo, eh? Just try not to knock them over while you're at it.

Did you just text that one person?

Whether it's an ex, that one hookup that treated you like sh*t, or that dude that def just wants to get into your pants, you're texting people you shouldn't. Consider letting your smarter friend hold your phone until the morning. This will not end well.

Did you stand and immediately regret that decision?

Ever take a few shots sitting down and think, "Oh this is fine, I'm totally fine," and then stand and realize you are 800 percent not fine? Yeah, maybe you should sit back down—no, not on the floor, the chair is right there. You're on the floor. It's home now, this is your new life.

Did you just cry in the bathroom for a half hour?

All of a sudden, everything's NOT OKAY, so you decide to politely excuse yourself to the restroom and proceed to ball your eyes out. Well, hey, good news! You don't really need to wash your makeup off tonight, because it's now running down your face and it's basically cleaned off. Like, kinda.

Has the phrase "inside voice" vanished from your vocabulary?

Admittedly, bars and house parties tend to be kinda loud, so you do need to raise your voice to avoid all the confused what-did-you-says from your friends. That said, screeching into the ear of someone right next to you is probably unnecessary. And mildly painful for them. 

Did it take 30 minutes to find your Uber?

Congrats! You opted out of driving home intoxicated, which was def the smartest decision of the night. But how the hell are you going to find a random car in the dark? Just, call your driver and don't move... they will find you. 

Has more of your drink made it onto your shirt than into your mouth?

I get it, sweetie—that shot was really full, and the bar you have to pick it up from is like, so far from your mouth. Will it make the journey? Well, since you're plastered, our little hero, Jameson, will probably perish along the way. He will be dearly remembered by his friends and loved ones.

Did you make several besties for life and talked to them at length about topics you never knew you cared about?

Not only have you just forged lifelong friendships, but these people have inspired you to discover hidden passions. Trees? You love trees! Hopes and dreams? You need to tell and hear about all of them! These are your people, and you love them. Tell them as much as possible.

Have your shoes been abandoned for the night?

It's a known fact of the universe that being barefoot is the only footwear allowed on the path to inner peace. Plus, if you're wearing heels, save yourself the torture and free yourself of those bad boys. You deserve this.

Do your texts look like they're written in hieroglyphics?

Let's hope your aunt doesn't text you about brunch plans for next week, because you are not in a state to work your phone at the moment. You know when you get a text from your grandmother and only half of it makes sense? Yeah, you're a grandma now.

Do you have some sage advice that'll solve everyone's problems?

See, you're the smartest person here, and you have such experience in all facets of life—you just needed alcohol to help you tap into that knowledge. If you're giving relationship advice to someone you met five minutes ago, you're drunk, definitely.

Are you about to fight anyone who dares to ruin the best night of your life?

Anyone that threatens your night needs to go, ASAP. No questions, no thought about how much bigger than you they are, no time to prep. Nah, trust me—you got this. My money's on you, babe.

Did you put food in the microwave and enter your pin number?

How do microwaves work again? Technology is an enigma created purely to confuse you right now, and to prevent you from reheating takeout. Not all is lost, though. Once you crack the code, you can have some amazing food so divine, it was meant for the god/goddess that is you.

Did you puke?

Uh, yeah, you're drunk right now. This is no longer fun and games for anyone. Please find a friend and head on home. Drink a lot of water and seriously consider these safe drinking guidelines for next time. 

What now?

So you've come to terms with the undeniable fact of your drunken self—I'm glad you've accepted intoxication into your life. My suggestion? Dust yourself off, find all your scattered possessions, and head home. And order a pizza, so it's there when you arrive. Trust me, future you will thank you.