An empty piñata seems like a cruel birthday joke, but interestingly enough, Jennifer Aniston chose to have an empty piñata at her birthday celebration this year. Why would one person be so cold to themselves, you ask? Aniston doesn’t eat candy—she’s a lot stronger than we are.
As a celebrated and super successful actress, you’d think Aniston would have at least filled the piñata with something. I mean, c’mon, they could have put kale in it.
What’s even more bizarre is that the actress and her hubby went through the trouble of getting an empty piñata, then they didn’t even break into it. That’s right—not one swing of a baton did that piñata endure.
To give Aniston, along with any other empty piñata fans, some ideas for next year’s birthday, here’s a list of things that could have gone inside the piñata besides candy. Sorry, Tootsie Rolls—your time is up.
Cans of Soda
Aniston, along with her husband and some friends, were in Cabo for her birthday, so it makes sense that they would need some refreshments under that hot sun. Why not stuff the piñata with cans of soda? Diet, of course, to avoid that dang sugar.
The piñata might get heavy, but she could have used it in place of her weights for her morning workout. Birthday piñata squats? Revolutionary.
Subway Gift Cards
One of Aniston’s favorite modes of transportation is her Subway sub bike. Much more comfortable than your average bike, this sub bike’s bread provides a pillow-like seat.
Since she’s such a fan, why not share the love with her friends and family by filling her piñata with Subway gift cards? Hell, once Subway hears of this, she may even become their new spokesperson. Who says you can’t combine business and birthdays?
Boxed Wine
Bottled wine is obviously a no go. Shattered glass and spilled wine is no way to celebrate a birthday. Boxed wine, however, would survive the fall from the piñata to the ground. Aniston and Co. wouldn’t even have to wait to drink the wine like they would with the cans of soda. Her party train waits for no one, and boxed wine totally gets that.
Cash Money
I mean honestly, if you can’t think of anything to put in a sad, empty piñata, why not just stuff it with cash? Not to be crass, but it’s not like she doesn’t have enough of it to make this idea work. Better to save this idea for a party at home, though. If you bust into a piñata filled with money in public, you’re probably going to run into some problems.
Ugly Christmas Sweaters
In celebration of her most recent movie, Office Christmas Party, Aniston could have stuffed her piñata with ugly Christmas sweaters. Sure, it’s early in the year, but she’d be saving her friends and family from having to find one at the last minute for all those parties in December. Why not promote your movie, celebrate your birthday, and do everyone a solid at the same time?
Smartwater
I’m beginning to think that Aniston only ingests liquids—besides Subway, that is. Maybe she should have stuffed her piñata with a mixture of cans of soda, boxed wine, and Smartwater. I mean, think about it: soda to start with, wine for a good time later, then water for the hangover the next day. It’s seriously fool-proof.
Her Secret Age-Defying Formula
Honestly, Jennifer Aniston stopped aging when she finished filming Friends. The woman has not aged a day since, and the least she could have done for her loved ones is put her secret age-defying formula in her piñata.
Who wants to be immortal by themselves? I’m not sure if she just hasn’t thought it through all the way yet, or if she has a top secret plan in store. Although she credits her skincare routine and her clean diet as what’s allowed her to age so gracefully, I’d like to think that she has some sort of elixir of life. Maybe she’s actually Wonder Woman… I wouldn’t be surprised.
Regardless of whether or not she’s the real Wonder Woman, Aniston is an amazing woman, and amazing women don’t deserve empty piñatas (btw, what kind of hubby celebrates his wife by consenting to an empty piñata?). We’ll just have to wait until next year to find out if she takes my advice for what to stuff a piñata with.