When the inevitable zombie apocalypse occurs, canned food will be humanity’s only hope of nutrition. As the undead hordes grow larger, society will collapse, and Chipotle will have no choice but to shut down.
With that knowledge in hand, it’ll be good to know which canned foods to hoard and which ones to toss to the abandoned, desolate curb. So to help you all out, I’ve complied a list of the best canned foods for surviving the apocalypse, ranked by nutritional density, taste, and palatability in canned form.
Us humans have to stick together, right? That is, unless you want to be eating brains, which don’t sound half as appetizing as the cans on this list.
1. Soup
Real talk, soup is the best when you’re sick. But, it can also be great for when the living dead overtake the power company and all of the fresh food in the supermarket goes rotten. The variety of canned soups out there offer plenty of protein, carbs, and vitamins necessary to stay healthy while civilization as we know it disappears.
Plus, it’s easy to drink straight from the can. Hunting for an eating utensil takes time that could be better spent fortifying your shelter against the zombies. The simpler it is to eat on the go, the better.
2. Fruit
Peaches, pineapples, and pears – oh my!
You’re not dying from scurvy on my watch. Canned fruits like mandarin oranges, apricot halves, and even that sketchy “fruit cocktail” provide a host of nutrients— such as Vitamin C and potassium— that’ll kick you into gear to fend off zombies and the common cold.
Also, the yummy syrup it comes in will give you a sugar boost. Nothing but win-win here.
3. Baby Corn
The only thing more fun than baby corn is playing wack-a-mole with some zombie heads. Just look at it—so cute!
While it isn’t high in nutritional density, it is high in adorability. I’m not being corny when I say it’s a great canned food. Alright that was pretty bad, but c’mon, baby corn tastes good enough to more than make up for any and all terrible puns.
4. Cranberry Sauce
With a good portion of the human population mindlessly shuffling around, the holiday season won’t be quite as, err, spirited. That’s when you can take solace in cranberry sauce.
It’s basically Thanksgiving in a can, so you will be feeding your sweet tooth and your nostalgia for a pre-apocalyptic world at the same time. Now that’s something to be thankful for.
5. Baked Beans
Want to know the best way to feel like a badass cowboy? A good ‘ole can of baked beans, preferably heated over a campfire. Forget all of this “surviving the zombie apocalypse” nonsense. You’ll feel like a lone ranger taking on the frontier in the wild, wild West.
Sure, this wild West will be full of danger: rattlesnakes, heatstroke, and hordes of no-good walkin’ corpses. But you’ll be a cowboy; you live for danger. Crack open some baked beans, get that protein, and giddy on up, partner.
6. Chili
Canned chili is pretty similar to baked beans, but with much more meat. Sounds like a bigger punch of pound-per-pound protein to me.
No evil dead will be able to overpower you after eating this canned food; you’ll be too strong and hardened. Kick your cowboy boots up and relax. With a hearty stock of canned chili and ammo, you’ll do just dandy.
7. 3-Bean Salad
Isn’t anything labeled as “salad” looking out for your health and well-being? Packed with both protein and carbs, this canned food will provide you with the much needed energy to fight off the undead.
It’s also one of the best options to eat straight out of the can. Unlike soup or baked beans, there’s no need to waste precious minutes trying to heat it up. That’ll give you more time to knock out those pesky zombies whose nighttime groaning is ruining your beauty sleep.
8. Pasta
SpaghettiO’s? Psh, more like SpaghettiOhmygoshthisisgood. If cranberry sauce is Thanksgiving in a can, than this is canned childhood. It might need to be heated up, but rest assured that the carbohydrates and lycopene present in canned pasta meals are more than enough to keep your belly full.
9. Water Chestnuts
You’re probably thinking, “Water chestnuts? Seriously?” But hear me out! Supplies are tight during an apocalypse, and we’ve gotta take what we can get. That means sometimes we’ll have to settle for slightly bland carbohydrates if it means that we’ll get some energy to keep going.
Plus, water chestnuts have the sentimentality factor. Take comfort in your memories of roasting chestnuts by an open fire before it becomes too dangerous to even have open fires because they attract hungry zombies.
Reminisce about munching on Chinese takeout with your friends, before your go-to spot becomes an all-you-can-eat buffet for the undead.
Let these canned nuts remind you of those simpler days, before the world got so messed up that, of all things, you had to find solace in goddamn water chestnuts.
10. Peas
Alright, fine. I’ll be the first to admit that canned peas just aren’t as good as fresh or frozen ones. But these will be end times, and survivors can’t be choosers. At least you’ll still be getting your daily serving of vegetables.
And hey, at least it’s not as gross as canned broccoli— just be glad that isn’t a real thing. With zombies already around every corner, there’s only going to be so much monster-related substance that one can take.
Remember, keep your chin up. Canned foods are delicious and easy to eat, even if you can’t find a can opener among the post-apocalyptic wreckage. Zombies swarming the streets may be the end of your daily Starbucks run, but it isn’t the end of the world.
Okay, it may technically be the end of the world, but it doesn’t have to be! Humans are resourceful. We can persevere. We invented canned food in the first place, so you know we’re a species determined to survive starvation— no matter how much sodium and preservatives it’ll take.