Deciding what you want to eat can be hard. Then, once you narrow down what it is that you’re craving, deciding where to get it from is even harder. If you’ve known me for more than an hour, you know that food is my A1 Day 1. It dominates my dreams, conversations, and wardrobe (see for yourself).
So perhaps it’s just me, but sometimes I like to imagine my culinary cravings battling it out to see who comes out on top in their category. Who is the most worthy, the most deserving to become that evening’s drunchie that I will undoubtedly regret inhaling the next morning.
Well, maybe I have too much time on my hands, but I decided to bring my worrisome niche fantasy to life in the first ever food brand smackdown. So buckle up and let the meat sweats roll.
Round 1: Donuts
Dunkin’ Donuts vs. Duck Donuts
Round 1 is a wash. Duck donuts entered the ring already dripping in championship belts that made its franchised opponent shit a sprinkle. Watching this fight would be analogous to watching John Cena put a nursery school child into a sleeper hold. It’s like watching Khaleesi do literally anything. Dunkin’s was pinned within seconds.
Adoring fans threw flowers, their social security numbers, their first-born children as offerings of their appreciation to this undefeated champ.
Round 2: Pizza
Domino’s vs. Uno Chicago Grill
Finally, a match of two worthy adversaries. The salty vs the thick crust. If I’ve learned anything from Ronald “Mac” McDonald, it’s that putting on mass matters. But how much crust is too much? In a battle royale such as this, I picture each pizza taking blows, losing toppings, stretching cheese. But in the end, it’s Domino’s that comes out on top. Their accessibility and dough to “everything else” ratio kept them spry and limber in the ring, and dense and regretful in my gut.
Round 3: Breakfast Carbs
IHOP vs. Waffle House
It was the fight that seemingly never ended. Both locations remaining open 24 hours meant this one was pure endurance. Quality, consistency, universal appeal—the final round was a fight for the ages. After a grueling amount of time in the ring, however, it was the Waffle House that reigned supreme. Why? They stuck to their guns. Keeping it simple was what it took to win this one. When IHOP rolled out some fancy footwork and red velvet pancakes, they simply got too big for their britches.
So there you have it, folks. A visual that can never be unseen, and the best of the worst kinds of food reigning supreme. Happy munching y’all.