If you haven’t seen Chef Gordon Ramsay’s twitter account recently, I would highly recommend scrolling through his replies to people’s photo submissions of their own food creations. I have taken a few of his brief, but harsh, responses and turned them into Gordon Ramsay’s reply to your college situation; just with a lot less F-bombs.
1. That 12th Hour in the Library
Spending an egregious amount of time in the library can make you feel like an inmate, starting with confidence spiraling to territorialism and a new tribal Sharpie tattoo. Why is the fluorescent lighting so harsh? Why can’t I quit you Buzzfeed astrology quiz #17? How long have I been in here? Will my family remember me when I get out?
2. Post Night Out Scavange
For some people, when the clock strikes 12 AM, they morph into a garbage disposal. Anything in sight is consumed, even if it has fallen on the floor a few times, sparking some sort of primal response where you fear you will not eat for weeks. We can’t help that our body’s saturated fat acquisition kicks in as preparation for hibernation not out of choice, but instead out of the potential for immobility due to the crippling hangover that may plague us in the morning.
3. The Day After
Sometimes, regretful scavenges the night before can cause certain bodily functions that seem as though your body is trying to rid itself of a demon; this purge can feel enlightening to some, but most would describe it as one thing; purgatory.
4. The Freshman 15(+)
As college students, since our brain is still developing, we should be consuming a well rounded meal incorporating vitamins, antioxidants, etc, yet the dining hall refuses to serve anything but sub-par blanched vegetables. Yes, nobody really cared about veggies like kale until Beyoncé wore it on a sweatshirt. Apparently I must look for quality vegetables elsewhere. I guess there are vegetables in guacamole? Let’s move on.
5. Regrets
Occasionally, there are those evenings where you show up to an event and you seem to leave your dignity at the door; it comes out faster than it was obtained. (I’m speaking both figuratively about dignity and literally about that dining hall stir-fry I shotgunned as a “foundation” for the evening’s beverages).
6. When You’re the First One to Turn in an Exam
Personally, I’ve never experienced the bliss of confidently turning in an exam first, but I imagine it’s the equivalent of serving a dish with fewer calories than a saltine but completed with the same immense preparatory effort. Regurgitate some buzzwords I overheard while reading recipes online, add some garnish, pour some pinot, and Bon Appétit.
7. The End of the Semester
To those people who save their notes after a class is over: Why? When have you actually referenced that witchcraft after you have taken the final exam? Burn them. I’m not promoting pyromania, but I am saying it’s cathartic.
Gordon Ramsey may be a man of few words, but his colorful vocabulary speaks volumes. Or perhaps maybe it’s because he’s always yelling.