It’s that time of year again. Sweaters are coming out, leaves are turning orange. People are getting lonely out there in the cold.
No, I’m not talking about fall.
I’m talking about Netflix and Chill season—that odd, unexpected, yet beautiful time of year when not even that heinously unflattering sweatshirt can keep you from wanting to hook up with the hot girl in your Econ class.
You realize that even the most lackluster college dudes appear exponentially more rugged and hot in cold weather apparel, and the cute ones are basically the bundled-up lumberjacks of your dreams.
The time to make moves is now. You gather your courage, hoping it’s just enough to conquer the abysmal AF gender relations, and shoot your object of interest a nonchalant but achingly thought out text.
“Netflix and chill tn?”
He/she replies, “I’m in.” Holy shit, score. Your heart skips a beat in anticipation, but after a few seconds, you start to worry. How do you plan? What do you wear? How do you win his/her affection?
Clearly an integral part of this pseudo-movie-appreciation activity is food. It’s mad uncomfortable to just sit there without something to chow down on, and it also makes you look like a bad host/hostess. You need some distractions to keep your mind off just getting down to business ASAP.
But what food is right? Don’t worry, we realize choosing is a daunting task. I broke it down to the basics of what you should and shouldn’t be eating depending on where you’re at with this dude/girl.
The First Time Flick Watching
Obvi this is the most anxiety-inducing situation. First impressions are everything. That stray lettuce leaf in your teeth or that grody nacho sauce dribbling down your chin could be the fatal flaw that sends you back to the open waters of single Tinder-searching.
The move: Chips and guac — a universal crowd pleaser, unless this person doesn’t like avocados (in which case you probably want to end things anyway since you can’t appreciate the glory of Chipotle together). Do NOT buy or make the super vegetable chunky kind with food bits—that shit gets stuck in your teeth and makes you look like Shrek.
Additionally, avoid any guac that’s too spicy—this happened to me once and I literally had an allergic reaction and had to take Benadryl because my face was swelling up into a potato/basketball hybrid. Needless to say, it killed the vibe. In this stage of the game, bland is best and will also keep you from having any unwanted breath odor.
Also avoid eating any phallic items. Bananas are great for potassium, but will prob give that dude an awkward boner faster than you can say “Dole.” Definitely unwanted.
Popcorn, while a natural choice for the movie situation, is a shady frenemy. Great taste, low cals, relatively breath-friendly, and it’s so cute to share a lil bowl together. But those kernels love getting stuck in your teeth too. If this is what your hookup offers you, all you can really do here is hope for the best, or abstain altogether and seem uptight and weird.
Eating method here is key. Guzzling anything down makes you seem nervous or worse, unclean. And if you spill red wine on that girl’s spotless white futon, you’re a goner.
Beverages of choice are things that don’t stain your teeth or give you halitosis. Danger lurks in that seemingly friendly bottle of Blue Gatorade. Avoid at all costs.
#SpoonTip: Be aggressive with the Listerine before this event.
The Exclusive Hook Up
You’ve sealed the exclusive deal with bae, and your taste buds are thanking you. You can finally dive into more dangerous food items. Now is the time to break out those weird snack pairings lame people always judge you for. My personal favorite is pretzels and cream cheese. And also just cream cheese.
Popcorn is entirely fair game, so is Nutella, peanut butter, or anything else gloppy and weird. For some dope recipe ideas to get the mood flowing, click here.
You should probably still avoid eating entire cheese wheels for flatulence concerns, but hey, that’s your call.
The Freaking Basically Married Couple
Honestly, anything goes here. Buffalo wild wings, horrific orange mouth-staining Cheetos, a straight up clove of garlic. No bad breath or food stains can threaten this ring-by-spring shit.
Embrace the “eating clothes”—size XL t-shirt and sweats are a conducive match for the epic masses of food you are about to consume. Plus, by this point, hopefully your fellow movie-watcher knows pretty well what your body looks like so there’s no intense need to show anything off.
Single as the Day is Long
Your time will come. For now, Ben and Jerry’s will do.
None of the above
If you’re one of those people who refuses to eat around your romantic interest, honestly why are you even here?
These are just suggestions. Honestly, please eat whatever you want. No one worthy of your time should make you feel self-conscious. If they do, well, game over, that just means more food for you.
Happy “watching,” folks.