Search the Spoon or similar sites, and you'll see tons of tests of the perfect drunken food choice based on personality. However, doesn’t that late-night decision have more to do with whatever is going on right before, not someone’s personality? There is always a story behind this choice. Sometimes that's a 2:00 AM stroll into Taco Bell marking the perfect end to a night of debauchery. Other times it may be an 11:00 PM staring contest against a microwave filled with pizza rolls. See if these episodes sound familiar: 

Taco Bell

salsa, corn, lettuce, chili, tomato, cheese, vegetable, tacos
Katherine Beattie

I’m going to run with the assumption any trip to Taco Bell is after the bars close and the parties get busted. Any choice to eat at this sophisticated establishment before 2:00 AM is one I won’t attempt to explain. With that said, after 2:00 AM Taco Bell is the place to party. When the squad has too much energy after leaving the turn-up, food replaces alcohol as the central meeting place for party people. You know those long winding lines will be there, and you know there are higher-quality drunken food choices, but as far as restaurants go, there’s no better place to keep the party going quite like Taco Bell.

How fun was your night? 8/10

How drunk did you get? 7/10

How hungry are you? 7/10

How big of a pile of dog poo will you feel like in the morning? 9/10

Slices

Food. Now. Pizza. Now. I’m not walking farther than one block and I’m not waiting longer than 5 minutes. That’s the mindset of the drunken Slices customer. While the spirited Taco Bell patron will make the trek to the renowned Apache-Rural location, a Slices customer is too drunk and too hungry for that. They know any attempt to get home would be in misery without a slice or two down the gullet. Slices is the end of a night on Mill where you’re not faded enough to do anything adventurous, but just drunk enough to have a magnetic attraction to hot meat and cheese.

How fun was your night? 6/10

How drunk did you get? 6/10

How hungry are you? 9/10

How big of a pile of dog poo will you feel like in the morning? 6/10

The Microwave (Ol’ Reliable) 

pizza
Katherine Beattie

It’s hard to judge drunk people for using a magic box to make chicken nuggets and bagel bites. This group consists of the budget-conscious drunk. Likely due to a night of popping bands at the bars like you’re being filmed for a French Montana music video, or a general aversion to falling victim to enticing traps like the two spots above. It probably was not the most fun night if you have resided to satisfying the drunchies alone and at home. Also, 2:00 AM in the kitchen is a good place to satisfy an immediate need for food, but with access to all options in the kitchen, the drunk eater may take things a bit too far. Going this route can lead to waking up feeling more regret for the amount of food consumed than alcohol drank.

How fun was your night? 5/10

How drunk did you get? 7/10

How hungry are you? 8/10

How big of a pile of dog poo will you feel like in the morning? Sometimes 5/10, Sometimes 9/10

Denny’s/IHOP

cake, pizza, beer
Katherine Beattie

Similar to Taco Bell, these 24/7 breakfast spots are home to those who aren’t ready to quit socializing yet. While Taco Bell is a pulsing party of strangers, these spots are filled with separated pods of people, content with turning the energy down lower but high enough to keep the conversation going. If you’re going out of your way to sit down for a meal here you’ve got to be a certain type of hungry. You need more food than could ever be reasonably ordered through fast food and you're willing to wait extra time and pay extra coin for it. These are the spots to keep the family close, sober up, and recall the mistakes and misadventures of the night. This is where acquaintances can become friends and friends can become family. The bustling activity of bars and parties was probably too much, but there was enough alcohol consumed to motivate eating lots of food.

How fun was your night? 7/10

How drunk did you get? 6/10

How hungry are you? 9/10

How big of a pile of dog poo will you feel like in the morning? 6/10

More Alcohol

Sometimes a drunken food choice, isn’t food at all. Sometimes, decisions are made that lack any semblance of logic or reason, they just simply happen. Sometimes, the after-party is a bigger shitshow than whatever happened before. Sometimes, it’s not really an after party, just 2-3 people facing a handle of Newy or taking Jack shots. Why set yourself up for a morning of pain and frustration? Why put yourself in a position to send drunk texts like they are coupons in the mail? Were you kicked out of a bar or party? Well, it must have been some type of night beforehand if the only solution is to keep drinking.

How fun was your night? You probably don’t know/10

How drunk did you get? 10/10

How hungry are you? 4/10

How big of a pile of dog poo will you feel like in the morning? 9.5/10