Thanksgiving is a time when all the family gets together for food and family bonding. It sure sounds nice, right? Well somehow Thanksgiving never quite goes as smoothly as those Lifetime movies might lead you to believe.
Every relative brings something different to the table, and I don’t just mean yams or crescent rolls: I mean some serious baggage. But if all our nutty Thanksgiving relatives actually were classic Thanksgiving foods, just what foods would they be?
1. Your Uncomfortably Political Uncle = Fried Turkey
While we all try our best to play nice and get along during the holidays, there is often that one uncle who just won’t stop dragging politics into everything. Just like a big ole’ fried turkey, this uncle demands constant attention.
He’s hard to ignore, even though you know he’s also going to be hard on your heart (and your arteries) after the fact. And why does he have to be so freaking salty?
2. Your Hovering Grandmother = Pumpkin Pie
Just as Thanksgiving wouldn’t be complete without pumpkin pie, something would truly be missing if Grandma wasn’t there—once she arrives, her presence can be felt almost everywhere.
She wants to cook, clean, serve and ask you a million questions (mostly about whether or not you’re still single). We all appreciate pumpkin pie, and we all appreciate Grandma, but they could definitely both stand to lose a little of that overwhelming sweetness.
Plus, like pumpkin pie, Grandma always seems to swoop in when you’re already stuffed, tempting you to take another serving.
3. Your Stressed Out Mom = Cornbread
With everything that is bound to go awry on this special day, no one is more affected than your poor mother who got roped into hosting this year. Like cornbread, she’s a good palate cleanser, a mediator, for all the bold flavors of crazy going on—but she’s also ready to crumble at any second.
As any recipe will tell you, cornbread requires a few minutes of cooling-off time before it’s served, and likewise, you should give your mom a few minutes to chill out in the kitchen (probably with a nice glass of chardonnay) whenever things seem to be getting stressful.
4. Your Aunt’s Date = Cranberry Gelatin
While part of what makes Thanksgiving dinner so bearable is the fact that you’re surrounded by delicious food, we all know that not every dish is a winner. That weird cranberry gelatin your aunt brought? Maybe not a fave—and weirdly, it has a lot in common with that new man on her arm, seeing as neither would be missed if she hadn’t dragged them along.
You serve yourself enough of that gelatinous mass so as to not be impolite and you make enough conversation with Randy, or Rick, or what’s-his-face, so as not to be impolite, and then you move right along with your evening.
5. Your Dad Who Just Wants to Watch Football = Mashed Potatoes
Whoever made Thanksgiving the day when you’re expected to host family and entertain guests the same day as important sports events clearly did not have superior planning skills. Your poor father just keeps getting dragged into conversation after conversation throughout the day and the dinner, when you can see in his eyes that all he wants to do is turn into a couch potato and watch the game.
But just like the turkey and pumpkin pie are essential to any Thanksgiving dinner, the holiday just wouldn’t be the same without your uncle going off about Trump or your grandmother continually pushing that plate of pie in your direction.