Everyone knows you don’t bring a knife to a gun fight and everyone knows you don’t walk into a three-hour class without snacks.
In an academic setting there are only so many ways to destroy one’s reputation. Social suicide can either be committed by being the know-it-all that monopolizes the entire class discussion with never-ending personal anecdotes or by being the diabolical person who brings foods to class that will rape and pillage the classroom’s entire atmosphere.
This person’s food choice does not simply invade their classmates’ range of sight, but somehow manages to permeate all five of their classmates’ senses.
So in order to avoid being the freak of nature with these invasive snacks, please for the love of truffle butter avoid these five foods at all costs:
1. Meatball Sub
Photo by Ashton Caudle
Carrying a meatball sub into class might be more of a statement than Lady Gaga being carried into the Grammy’s in an egg. This is because savagely tearing into a meatball sub is an extremely intimate moment, a moment that is meant to be shared between you and that meatball sub exclusively.
It’s quite unsettling to see someone boldly ripping a meatball to shreds in front of the entire class. And God forbid a meatball goes astray and wanders towards a classmate’s hand!
2. Puffy Cheetos
Photo by Ashton Caudle
During the desperate reach into a cheese puff bag, it is physically impossible to avoid your fingers, knuckles and wrists from getting coated in a layer of artificial cheese dust. A dust that manages to stain your fingers orange while simultaneously parading your cheesy greed for the world to see.
A dust that can be removed by your tongue and your tongue only. Forcing your neighbors to witness you gingerly lick the Cheetos dust off your knuckles during a group discussion on feminism is something that none of your classmates will recover from, trust me.
3. Oreos
Photo by Ashton Caudle
Oreo cookies are a trap. You can either grab the bull by the horns and sink your teeth right into its exterior and end up spending the rest of class discussion with the blacked out teeth of a hobo, or you can expose the chocolate sucker for what it really is and go to town on its vanilla soul.
If you choose the second option and are willing to sensually lick vanilla icing off the cookie during class, I strongly urge you to rethink some of your life choices and sign up for Tinder.
4. Chips and queso
Photo by Ashton Caudle
When you first hear someone reaching into a bag of corn chips, you feel for the person who is hungry enough to risk breaking the peace for a mere crunch of a chip, but that sympathy immediately dissipates when that same person has the audacity to pompously dip that chip into queso. They might as well be slapping their teacher in the face.
The scent of queso alone can be incredibly confusing for innocent bystanders. Parts of the smell makes you want to believe that the queso’s jalapeño cheese scent originated in Mexico, but deep down you know it didn’t pass Spanish.
5. Tuna salad
Photo by Ashton Caudle
Lastly and most offensively. Whoever dares to roll into class with a Tupperware of tuna salad is sick on so many levels. First off, the Tupperware implies way too much forethought for your classmates to simply reason away this crime as an impulse decision.
It takes some serious strategy to go through with packing a lunch of homemade tuna fish.You have to be willing to sacrifice all positive social interactions for the rest of the day on the tuna scent’s behalf.
That takes determination. That takes confidence. That takes courage. That takes… oh my goodness, am I impressed?
Check out these in-class snacking guidelines: