Satire is a beautiful thing, and it mixes exceptionally well with contemporary food issues. The Onion is a news satire organization, and one of my favorite websites. Here are ten of the best food-related articles published by them within the past year.
1. Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit
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“Monsanto scientists said they had traced the escaped tomato’s path of destruction from the broken shards of the containment unit to the lifeless bodies of the guards to a nearby ventilation shaft, following a trail of viscous, bright red liquid that appears to be composed of fructose, glucose, vitamin C, several unknown substances, and human blood.”
2. GMOs: Myth vs. Fact
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“Myth: Inorganic foods don’t taste as good. Fact: Enough frying oil renders flavor obsolete.”
3. Long John Silver’s Introduces New Golden Fried Abomination From The Deep
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“The undersea terror from the blackest depths, which was said to be first referenced in Scandinavian folklore dating back to the eighth century, was reportedly hunted by Long John Silver’s, Inc. for nearly 20 years before it was finally added to the menu this month.”
4. FDA Figures It Will Get Around To Regulating Supplements With Names Like Black Widow, Yellow Demon
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“‘I guess it wouldn’t be a bad idea at some point to assess the safety of products like energy pills that have a highly venomous spider on the logo and promise to ‘give your system a jolt’ once we get a few things off our plate,’ said FDA official Donald Reece.”
5. Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money
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“Customers who desired a beverage would be allowed to place their mouth around a nearby hose of continuously flowing corn syrup.”
6. Man Overjoyed He No Longer Has To Purchase Entire Day’s Worth Of Egg McMuffins In Morning
Photo by Daniel Acker
“‘I used to have to get up early just so I could order eight or nine McMuffins all at once—I’d eat a couple right there, but then I’d have to lug around a half dozen others and microwave them throughout the afternoon,’ said Grenwald.”
7. FDA Report Finds Food Prevents Hunger 98% Of Time When Properly Used
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“After researching the effects of nourishment, we found that if people put food in their mouth and make sure to get it all the way down to the base of their esophagus, hunger can be averted almost every time.”
8. Report: Red Meat Linked To Contentedly Patting Belly
Photo by Lauren Lim
“Subjects who ate steaks, burgers, roasts, or chops were also 80 percent more susceptible than non-meat-eaters to groaning happily at audible volumes.”
9. Coworker Retreats To Remote Corner Of Office To Complete Disgusting Food Order
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“At press time, a hunched-over Olson was frantically devouring the food at his desk to prevent his coworkers from noticing the shameful meal.”
10. How Meat Reaches Our Table
Photo by Lauren Thiersch
“Step 2: Legal consultant assures Chipotle execs that the term ‘responsibly raised’ remains unregulated by the government.”
Honorable Mention: Clickhole’s Clean Eating Challenge
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Clickhole is a satirical website owned by The Onion, and I just had to include this 5 Day Clean Eating Challenge. Some of the promises include “Losing anywhere from 3 to 91 pounds,” “Garbage men no longer try to collect you,” and “More veins”.