Chocolate is disgusting. There, I said it. What are you gonna do about it? Bring it on, because I’ve heard it all: “What is wrong with you?”, “you’re not a human”, and my personal favorite, “that is un-American.”
I’ve tried, but I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I realized chocolate was just not my thing. I’ll attribute it to complications in the womb. It’s been this way for as long as I can remember. Chocolate cake, chocolate ice cream, chocolate bunnies, chocolate anything: I hate it all.
My friends have tried to convert me. I’ve been force fed Hershey’s kisses, Godiva truffles, and chocolate-covered strawberries. Nothing helps.
After spitting out the food that was so grudgingly shoved in my mouth, I am met with cries of frustration and anger. “You absolutely suck!” is the most common one.
A life without chocolate is a difficult one. I’d like to watch those York peppermint patty commercials and feel joy like everyone else. I’d like to go to a wedding and partake in the shenanigans around the chocolate fountain. Cue theme song.
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I’ve written this article in an attempt to make people aware of how hard my chocolate-less life truly is.
1. Limited Dessert Options
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Max Brenner’s is my worst nightmare, but even restaurants whose menus don’t revolve around the poop colored abomination you people call chocolate often disappoint me. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even ask to see a dessert menu anymore. Let’s face it, there are only so many options. Believe it or not, it is possible to get tired of New York cheesecake.
2. The Most Extreme Form of FOMO
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Middle school is a hard time for anyone, but I had it worse. Every time one of my classmates had a birthday, a mom would bring in a special treat.
And guess who always made a guest appearance? Ooey, gooey brownies. My classmates’ nut allergies were always taken into account. What about my needs? I had to watch all the other kids have a grand old chocolatey time. I sat silently at my desk, enjoying the savory taste of my own tears.
3. Unpleasant Holiday Season
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Carving pumpkins, wearing a costume and eating candy are all part of the fun of Halloween. As a child, I experienced approximately 1/3 of that fun. Being allergic to pumpkin seeds, I couldn’t stick my arm in one without it doubling in size. That put me out of the running for pumpkin carving.
And do not even get me started on the candy. I’d come home, empty my pillowcase on the living room floor, sort out all the chocolate and turn it over to my brother. It was a very dark time.
4. Abbreviated Fondue Parties
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On the rare occasion that I am invited to a fondue party, I have to think very seriously before confirming my attendance. Everything starts off well, the cheese is flowing and the vegetables are simmering in broth for the amount of time suggested by the sassy Melting Pot waiter.
But as dessert approaches, I grow more and more anxious because I know that when I suggest we get one pot of white chocolate, the looks from my friends will turn me to stone.
5. Geographic Restrictions
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Chocolate is ubiquitous. I can’t open the refrigerator without glimpsing a bottle of chocolate milk. I can’t leave the supermarket without being bombarded at the cash register by Hershey’s bars, Kit Kats and Reese’s Cups. I can’t attend a student government bake sale without my eyes spontaneously combusting at the sight of a brownie.
Don’t even get me started on continental Europe, where chocolate flows like water. There’s German chocolate, Swiss chocolate and Belgian chocolate. I fear I’ll neither see the world nor leave my bed.
6. Disappointing Everyone I Meet
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Every time I explain my “deficiency” to people, I can see the light slowly fade from their eyes. They think I’m weird and don’t believe they can ever fully trust me. It is sad and I often question my own sanity/right to be on this planet.
For me, life is not a box of chocolates (unless it is composed of only white chocolate, which I know is not “real chocolate”).
I’ve overcome obstacles and faced judgment. I hope someday we can all be considered equal. Until then, we chocolate haters must stand together, support one another and keep eating cheesecake.