What’s your Roots order? This Valentine’s Day, the seemingly simple choice you make after waiting through the Notoriously B.I.G. line at Roots Natural Kitchen may actually be the most revealing choice of your college dating career. Pick your bowl to easily define that complicated guy with the help of the Official Roots Bowl Formula™ – no pressure…
Photo courtesy of Roots Natural Kitchen
Roots Bowl
Photo courtesy of Roots Natural Kitchen
The Sensitive Boy
He’s in touch with his feelings and gets attached more quickly than you can use up a date function’s bar tab. He has a sweet side and you like it. He cried at the end of The Notebook when you “forced” him to watch it. Cue the red roses, teddy bears and chocolate.
BONUS: If Mr. Roots Bowl adds chicken, it’s guaranteed that he gives the best massages.
Typical date: Arch’s and mani-pedis (you swore not to tell his friends).
Adobo Caesar
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The Bad Boy
He has a fiery side (thanks to a good kick of Sriracha). Maybe he did time in juvie; maybe he rides a motorcycle; maybe you met during lunch detention back in high school. Regardless, his cunning grin is magnetic.
The only down side: the Adobo Caesar lives fast and his relationships die young. He’s the James Dean of the salad game. However, you’ll never regret having spontaneous (illegal?) adventures with Mr. Caesar.
Typical date: Tandem hoverboarding on UVA grounds (badass), then breaking into Scott Stadium to shotgun Four Lokos under the stars.
The Apollo
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The Average Joe.
He’s the clean-cut boy you take home for Thanksgiving to make your family think you have your sh*t together. Not necessarily spontaneous, but he satisfies. No surprises here with the good ol’ Apollo. He plays no games… but maybe because he never learned?
Disclaimer: Experience may be lacking, but if you get married you’re pretty much guaranteed an upper middle class lifestyle with 2.5 kids and a golden retriever.
Typical Date: Dinner and a movie. Home by 9:30 – at the latest.
Mad Bowl
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The Hipster
Just like the under-appreciated cannellini beans and mushrooms of this salad, Mr. Mad Bowl is cultured. He distinguishes ~film~ from movies and cannot walk through a gallery without arguing the deep conflict between art’s contemporary geniuses versus the classic masters.
He’s the type to go to a bar just for the atmosphere, even if the cocktails are $15. Even though he didn’t get drunk on NYE (too cliche), you still don’t regret dating him – your Spotify game has never been stronger.
Typical Date: Poetry Slam at the hip coffee joint below his studio apartment, followed by a Wes Anderson film screening at said studio apartment… which is, of course, artfully decorated.
The Southern
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The Exotic Boy
Tall. Dark. Handsome. Photogenic. Best semester abroad of your life. He is tequila shots on the beaches of Spain where you lost your shoes like Cinderella. His mysterious eyes are lit by endless stories of adventure and intrigue. You can tell he is smooth with his moves.
You know going in that the relationship won’t last forever, but it will be fun. The Southern is like good chocolate: fleeting, sweet and a bit naughty.
Typical Date: A camel-led tour of foreign lands followed by sailing off into the sunset and excessive Instagramming.
El Jefe
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The Bro
He’s the most popular one by far. A dude’s dude. Everyone likes him a little bit differently, but he won’t change for you. A cliched crowd-pleaser. Everyone you know has tried El Jefe but that doesn’t make him any less desirable. His talents include shotgunning beers, posting “dope” Snapchat stories and somehow being the life of every college party you go to. High-five bro.
Typical date: Swing by a mutual friend’s pre-game, followed by an aggressive makeout in the back of Trin. He’ll pay for your Christian’s later, though.
Mayweather
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The Creative Spirit
He was a thespian in high school and really wants to pursue his art in college. He is outgoing, charming and full of witty banter. When you are with him there is hardly a dull moment. He consistently looks better than a J. Crew model and has not quite discovered his sexuality yet – that is what college is for. He’s a big fan of experience and is always “down for whatever.”
Typical date: Live concert on the Downtown Mall followed by a late night rehearsal for his new play. After party at the a cappella house!
Tamari
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The quirky one.
One of the more eccentric boys of your college career. He makes you smile but his humor is a touch off. Sometimes you caught yourself laughing at him, not with him.
However quirky his personality, the Tamari is gorgeous: great bod highlighted by striking features. His abs are steel cut from those 100% vegan ingredients and miso tofu. Thankfully he broke things off to go find himself at a 3 month yoga retreat in Hawaii.
Typical date: You didn’t actually go out in public together.
Corner Cobb
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Rich Boy
He is ambitious. He has it all. He’s as full of himself as he is full of protein-packed avo, egg, and chicken. You can spot Mr. Cobb by his fresh-off-the-golf-course swagger or those telltale Gucci flip flops. Barbour was made for his chiseled shoulders. He doesn’t take no for an answer and will go far in life utilizing that stamina and drive – also Dad’s trust fund.
Typical Date: Brunch at his country club followed by a chauffeured tour of Charlottesville’s most beautiful wineries.
The Custom Bowl
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The Actual College Boyfriend
He is an individual. He is every boy you dated in college, because no one fits into a single stereotype. He is not limited by the structures of society. Be proud of Mr. Custom and learn from each unique experience.
When you get it right, you will forever appreciate your relationships as a facet for personal growth and admiration – maybe even love. Happy Valentine’s Day, Wahoos.
Special thanks to the whole Roots Crew. Collaboration credit to Fiona McCarthy.