Ex-girlfriends are pieces of work. We all have a dating history. Some of us even have baggage, or more excitingly, skeletons. But regardless of our failed relationships, there are certain things about our exes that we always remember—the good, the bad and the unfortunate. Don’t have much of a dating history? You’re in for a treat because here are all the ex-girlfriends you’ll ever have, visualized as foods.
The Artsy Hipster: Three-Buck Chuck
This girl is the artsy hipster. She’s an intellectual and randomly spontaneous. But she’s also borderline embarrassingly cheap—like Charles Shaw wine (aka Three Buck Chuck, formerly Two Buck Chuck) from Trader Joe’s. Your lady hipster and your bottle of wine may be underrated, but bottom line is they’re also both underwhelming.
The Alpha Female: Ghost Pepper
One word: intense. This girl is the alpha female and you either jump on her train or get the hell out of her way. Wear your seatbelt because you’re in for a wild ride with this one! In food terms, this girl is a ghost pepper. As the spiciest pepper in the world, ghost peppers dominate your tastebuds, make you weep while you eat, and almost always guarantee that you’ll pay for it afterward in one way or another.
The GI Jane: Headcheese
Like the alpha female, this girl is also intense but in a fierce, intimidate-the-sh*t-out-of-you kind of way…like a cross between GI Jane and an Amazon. And like headcheese, it may not sound that bad or tough to swallow until it’s served to you and you wonder, ‘What did I get myself into?’
The Vegan Yogi: Tofu
You know it’s healthy, especially the non-GMO kind, but there’s just something about the color, taste, and texture that you can’t get past. Mainstream diet fads push it so hard, it’s annoying to even see it at the grocery store. Tofu is like the patchouli-wearing, vegan yogi girlfriend who’s down to earth and accepting. But come on, is there honestly a girl out there who has that kind of unconditional love and innate patience without a hidden agenda?
The Party Girl: Waffle Ice Cream Sundae
A waffle ice cream sundae is the party girl. It’s an awesome idea at first and seems like fun in the beginning but can only end with a nosedive crash. Trying to keep up with this type of girl’s partying is hard on both your wallet and body. It’s best to just use your imagination instead of actually partaking, because like the sundae, you’ll regret it later.
The One, True Love: Pizza
This girl is the bee’s knees; she’s intelligent, attractive, funny, and confident. She’ll be your first true love and the one you never forget. She’s one of those girls who everyone likes, making her just like pizza. But remember, it doesn’t matter if you’re vegan, gluten-free, or if your taste buds change over time, there’s always a perfect pizza out there for you.
Envision your ex-girlfriends as foods and make those breakups a little easier to stomach!