A holiday centered around food? #JustAmericaThings. We all love Thanksgiving and are already starting to dream about the completely disgusting amount of food we’re going to consume this year. So, put on your stretchy pants and let Jesus… I mean Zac… take the wheel and bring you through the 14 stages of eating we all look forward to living each year.
Stage One: You Wake Up
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Good morning, world. It’s early and you’re still only half alive.
Stage Two: You Realize What Day It Is
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Wait a second… you realize that it’s Thanksgiving and in a few hours you get to eat three times your body weight in home-cooked goodness. Your body is ready. You’ve been waiting all year for this.
Stage Three: No Breakfast
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You’re starving and want breakfast but your mom says you should just wait, because you’re going to eat a ton later. You’re like nah mom, I’ve got this. Does she think your some sort of amateur?
Stage Four: SOS
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Before you know it, you’re really full and sad and know you should’ve listened. What if you’re not hungry by the time the main food is ready? Why haven’t you learned to stop doing this? Why is your mom always right?
Stage Five: Your Family Shows Up and You Know They’ve Got the Goods
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Hello everybody, welcome to my home, nice to see you, school is good, whatcha got in that dish for me to eat?
Stage Six: You Can Smell It, But You Can’t Eat It
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Okay, you’re in the clear and you’re officially starving again. Take that, mom. But, here comes the suffering, because there is no greater pain than smelling the food cooking when you know you have to wait another hour to eat.
Stage Seven: Dinnertime
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Just as you were thinking you were going to die if you had to wait any longer, you hear world’s sexiest sentence ring out from the kitchen, “The food is ready.”
Stage Eight: Food Coma
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Your post-dinner food coma hits you harder than an 18-wheeler. You’re still alive but you’re barely breathing. Your stretchy pants are pushing their limit. How did you eat so much? Your poor body doesn’t know what to do. You swear you’re not eating again for a week.
Stage Nine: Family Concern
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Your entire family looks at you concerned and slightly disgusted, wondering if you’ll make it through. How did it get this out of hand? Do you need an intervention? tbd.
Stage Ten: Football and Nap
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Everyone is exhausted. Who knew eating your weight in stuffing and gravy could take so much out of you? Time to chill on the couch, watch football, and take a nap. Your body needs a break from the madness.
Stage Eleven: Any Room Left for Dessert?
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You have new life. Oh, grandma, you best believe I have room.
Stage Twelve: Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop
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Your sweet tooth can never be satisfied and grandma’s desserts are just too damn good. You go to sneak another piece of pie without being judged, only to get caught and called out by one of your little cousins. You bribe her to keep her mouth shut: Nothing happened and she didn’t see anything.
Stage Thirteen: The End is Near
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Wait. All of your family is starting to leave. All of the dishes have been washed. All of the football games are winding down. The day is almost over and you’re not ready for it to end. You’re a mess.
Stage Fourteen: Enlightenment
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You feel weak, broken, hopeless, then you remember that YOUR FAMILY LEFT ALL OF THE LEFTOVERS IN YOUR FRIDGE. There is hope for a brighter day. Round two tomorrow, who’s down?