July 27, 2017 – Dunwoody, GA. We are gathered in this kitchen today to remember and celebrate the creaminess of this Kroger-brand jar of peanut butter. She is survived by her husband, Concord Jelly, and her cousins, Jif, Skippy, and Smuckers. Although she was childless, she was the pantry mother and loved the canned beans and corn like they were her own offspring.
I first met this 16-ounce jar two months ago, when I moved into my sister’s house in Dunwoody and had a peanut butter and honey sandwich. She was thick, smooth without being oily, and smelled like a meadow of Nutter Butters. I thought her full, hydrogenated oil body would never be empty – I was wrong.
Although I picked her up in the Kroger clearance aisle, this jar of peanut butter is priceless to me. Stuffed between Cheez-Its, loaded onto a browning banana, or melting on a Village Burger, she added flavor and friendship to these cold foods. Even if my workday was dull, I could count on her to make my evenings gummy and delightful.
Her red label was a joy to the household; the vintage font turned the pantry into a 60s diner. Her nutrition facts made all our meals “healthy:” only 180 calories, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, and 4 grams of sugar per 2 tablespoons. She was practically a kale salad and tomato juice.
She will be remembered fondly by Barley, the puppy my sister and brother-in-law adopted a month ago. A mixed black lab, Barley would salivate at the mouth and bite my legs whenever the scent of peanut butter was near. Scratching, biting, howling – all for a lick of her tasty spread.
It’s a wonder her creaminess was so inexpensive, yet her services pleased every tongue she touched. The ketchup, mayonnaise, and barbecue sauce couldn’t compare. Peanut butter was our beloved starlet, the peanut of our eyes.
She was an internet sensation, being featured in articles such as On The Importance of Peanut Butter and Can You Use Peanut Butter To Shave Your Legs? Her taste, versatility, and hardiness was so easy to write about and photograph. Her beauty made editing on Photoshop a pixel pleasure, and the ensuing articles got thousands of page views.
People say that peanut butter is forgettable, that it’s a commodity with thousands of siblings and identical twins. It’s not “special” because it’s common and inexpensive. However, this couldn’t be more untrue.
This creamy Kroger was the spoonfuls that powered me through a long-distance relationship. She was the glue that kept my sanity together during eight hour workdays. She was the midnight snack that never judged or tattled about the fridge light being on. She was my meal and my friend — nothing can replace that primal relationship.
James A. Garfield might have once said, “Man cannot live by bread alone, he must have peanut butter.” This statement is the essence of Peanut Butter’s greatness: she was necessary for my summer to be bearable, stellar even. I needed her, and she was willing to sacrifice herself for me.
So, view her plastic casket, see the remnants of peanut butter in her walls, and grab a fingerful if you’re brave. The least we can do is lick her clean for the recycle bin.
Funeral Information
This jar of peanut butter will be recycled at Doraville Recycling Plant. To see her jar being melted and re-shaped, a special viewing session will be held on July 28, 2017. Spoons welcomed.